to some, it's goodbye

I was surprised to see you at the meet-up, and mostly overjoyed.
But, I saw a hesitancy in your face
a look of distress and it bothered me a little.
I wasn't sure what it meant

I did just see you a couple days earlier
a big wide smile on your face,
looking like it was happy to see me.

Something seemed wrong this time,
No smile, a subtle cold shoulder.
My heart sank. It's like this then?

I searched for possible reasons.
Was it because you didn't call me?
Maybe it was because we didn't plan to meet like we mentioned?

I could see where this might lead with hanging questions...

I had an idea: "Let me get a ride back with you." I muttered
knowing it wouldn't be in your nature to refuse.
My questions could now be answered and you wouldn't feel ... guilty?

Though, the awkward silence as we walked to the car, unsettled me more.
"What's going on?" I thought.
Though, surprisingly, the drive back wasn't so bad,
the conversation relaxed and cordial.
We caught up on recent events and
I tried to allay your concerns for not calling or not making plans.

But days later, I stayed haunted by what had happened.
Were those the real reasons?
Perhaps the real truth was this:
The earlier happy expression was really just a mask...
and the later face was REAL,

With it's disappointed avoidant expression,
that silently says, "I don't want to know you anymore."

It suddenly seemed so clear now, this was like the others too.
There's something too familiar in those faces
that can't look me in the eye anymore.

Embarrassed and ashamed FOR me.
Embarrassed and ashamed to KNOW me.
Embarrassed and ashamed to be SEEN with me.

Was this it?! Is this why?! - I felt regret.
I didn't know it would be like this - what do I say now?
I've been told that if people are like this,
there's nothing I can do, that I'll have to accept it.
I know, it makes sense...

I just didn't know, that when I told them I was gay,
I was really just saying...

goodbye

I didn't know we were saying goodbye.
:-(

(comment moderation is now turned on)

Someone posting "anonymous" and is cut-n-pasting some long comment which I doubt anyone is reading. I've seen it in others blogs.

If this is meant to be harrassment, this person may THINK they are anonymous.
They are not. I even know I am not truly anonymous to the Google servers.

The reality is the IP address and possibly other machine info like the computer MAC address which is completely unique to every computer etc. for comments is NOT really "anonymous", it's most definitely being recorded and logged in the Google proxy servers at a minimum.

Big Brother is watching...

I'm certain, with my computer savvy skills, I can also locate this person's address by embedding something into my web posts too. (It's not really hard to do if you own a web server.)

Instead of reporting this or bothering, I'm just turning on comment moderation...for now.

Run Away

He's not extraordinarily attractive.
He's actually rather average looking.
With a good looking face, deep blue eyes and charming smile.
A red-brown head of hair neatly trimmed around his receding hairline.

An average athletic build, with a slight middle-aged spare hanging around the waist.
Besides a nice patch of hair on his chest and belly, the rest of his body is pretty vacant of hair.
He has a smart businessman look about him, and a ladies man in most ways.

Though, except for the handsome face, and some body hair,
his features are NOT the features I normally find attractive in guys!

He's not particularly bear-like or the stocky rugged-looking - a look I normally require.
I seek a MAN's man, not this ladies man.

Yet, I can't help but notice the uncanny feeling of attraction I have for him.
The feeling of affection and tenderness in my chest
A passion that is waiting to unleash into a fiery whirlwind
if I ever got the indication he might be interested
and if the moment ever presented itself.

I yearn to wrap my arms around him and hold him close to me
to run my hands along his shoulders and arms
and lay my lips to his skin,
tenderly kissing him along his neck, to his soft cheek,
to taste his lips. Resting my head alongside his,
breathing softly into his ear as I lay there in an embrace.

It's quite a different feeling from one I have for most other guys.

For the others, there's a more aggressive lustful force
our bodies colliding, wrestling and writhing
the muscles struggling, pushing and pulling against each other
our faces gorging and feasting on each others mouths and bodies
hungry and starved.
Building in energy, climaxing and quickly subsiding.

But not this, it's a quiet, peaceful sleepiness
content and comforting...constant and restful

More love than lust.

I think it's his personality that has trapped me.
So kind and helpful, supportive and friendly...
but I know that can't be just that! Plenty of guys are like this.
This feeling is different and so rare, perhaps a single person in thousands.
It happened over time, a feeling that grew inside.

Were there signals he liked me too?
The playful exchange of words, bordering flirtation. (Though, was it all in my mind?)
Does he remind me of an old love? Someone I cared for deeply.
An old unrequited love, affection transferred. (Possibly, I don't know...)

All I know is that he's straight and married.
(And I'm not exactly available either!)
I just can't seem to shake him so easily.
I feel a need to confess, to see if these feelings are mutual.
That it's not all in my mind.
Though, I worry what we might do if I find out they are.

Mostly, I feel I need to run.
Run far away.

The Next Phase

I know it's been a long time. I'm spending most of my time reading blogs than actually writing them. I have thought about writing what's been going on, but because of recent threats to other gays, I decided I didn't want to talk about recent events because someone might put 2 n 2 together and figure out who I am etc. Paranoid I know...

I did notice something since coming out to my coworkers. Although the were very cordial in the beginning, I see I'm not being invited to their usual get togethers as much save a one or two of them. I suspect July 4rth I'll be looking for other plans (though I really like hanging with the coworkers!)

It's disappointing but I understand the awkwardness they might have inviting me for whatever reason (say religious or their wives don't like it...who knows?)

I'm probably overthinking it too much maybe.

I did stop outing myself. It's odd, for some reason once you start, it feels like you have to tell EVERYONE! But I didn't. In many cases I feel it just won't help (say with the sports teams I play on.) I never told my newest coworkers (though I don't think they'd care.)

My gut feeling is that the world, though growing more tolerant, is still not ready.
Gays are still demonized and dehumanized jokes. In the same lot as the atheists as being misunderstood.

And perhaps, it's just that I'm still afraid...

My behavior has changed too I think. I start worrying that I'm not liked, and although it might be for reasons OTHER than being gay, my mind tells me it IS because I'm gay (even if they dont' even know...)

I'm not trying as hard to befriend straight people either (though I always seem to make plenty of friends wherever I go no matter what!) I think it's because that's just another person I'll like, become good friends with and then who will hate me when they find out I'm gay...

Depressing but true.

But it's not that bad, I'm much better off now than when I was in the closet. That place is just HELL. I'll get over it I think. I'll move on and not worry so much in time.
It's just another phase of accepting the truth that I'm gay...even if sometimes I still wish I wasn't.

The ever widening gap

Some relationships seem to only exist in my mind,
In some state it was long ago.
And although I know it's not really that way anymore,
I seem to keep the idea alive,
feeding it with hope.

Though, it comes to a point when the difference between what I imagine
and what it is, becomes an ever widening gap.

Why does it happen?
Sometimes by chance,
Sometimes by choice,
Sometime for a reason,
Sometimes for no reason...

We all seem to just drift apart

Somehow, knowing that although we'd like to stay
we think it's time to let go.
Looking across the large gap,
across the space and time
seems too far and ago
that our reach, our voices
can never bridge that ever widening gap.

I see this happening all around.
in my personal life,
here in the blogs,

that drift...it's troubling.

I know one of the reasons in my personal life is because I'm this "new" person.
I've crossed a line where I can't go back
and to revisit the old relationships puts them in jeopardy
of transforming from something once beautiful
into something ugly and hateful.

Outing yourself can do this I think...
it seems ok at the onset
but it initiates this drifting gap.
Prehaps because somewhere people feel you live in a different world from theirs.
This secret world that you didn't share until just now,
A world where they don't want or care to live
A world where the person you are, is a stranger to them.

And ironically, in your mind, you think outing yourself to the world would make it better
but I've come to realize that for some, this is not true.
When you start outing yourself, you think everyone needs to know
You're excited to do it, anxious to tell everyone...
You imagine it'll help bring people closer
but I've come to realize this is also not true.

I know this doesn't sound encouraging to my reads who haven't outed themselves.
But they need to know, that although it may seem like everything will get better
and that everyone will be happy with the truth,
The reality is opening those doors, closes others
and the gap that stands between you and them can slowly widen
slowly and steadily until one day you'll see how far they drifted away...
and be saddened by it.

My Own Personal Angel

He outstretched his nice big strong arms out over his head,
yawning as he was waking up on the couch.
I stood there looking on him
at how young he looked in his white t-shirt and head full of hair.

how incredibly handsome, cuddly and warm he seemed
how I wanted to just lay down next to him and hug him...

But I couldn't, I had arrived there with his wife,
to tell him I wasn't going to spend the day we had planned together
because he SHOULD really spend it with his wife instead.

I remember feeling so sad as I told him this.
I had missed him so much and waited for this day...
but I wanted to do the "right thing" and it burned in my heart.

Then I woke up.

I often dream about one of my best friends - someone I hadn't seen in many many years.
Strangely he comes to me in my dreams when I'm upset, and I wake feeling much better. Like my own personal guardian angel, there to support me even though he's so far away.
Of course, I know it's not really him, it's what I remember of him, how he was, always a good shoulder to cry on...so I think I just project what I know he'd say in my mind, to help me deal with my problems.

Even though, this time wasn't like before (he never said a word) I realize what it meant right away, how I struggle to cut people out of my life because it's the "right" thing to do, like I'm still doing with my married "crush", or how I stress over letting certain people know I'm gay, because I'm terrified how they might feel if they knew. So I let go.

His image offers the message, and I'm always glad to see him and hear from him again, and I wake up relieved. (I wonder if others have this same experience.)

It strangely reminded me of a story his mother told me (I vaguely remember the details.) She told me of a dying uncle. He had all his family around him on his death bed and in his delirium, looked at an empty part of the room and began talking to his best friend (Bob?) that had died long before him. "Is it time now Bob?", he called out and reached out to where his ghostly friend stood in his mind. "That's good." he said with a smile and then died.

Thinking about that, I'm convinced that will happen to me too.

Reflecting

I know it's been a long time since I posted anything...

I've been a little depressed because more and more people's blogs keep disappearing.
Scott was the first to start it off. I was pretty angry because it appeared that it had to do with threats to his family or something...others are taking breaks now too. Makes sense really.

It's made me think hard about blogging here in general, things change...people change...

I was thinking of blogging in a different style that at least would be worthwhile for me and something I can reread later. My new format could be: read someone's blog, and comment about it here. That way my thoughts are saved and deleted when I want them to, which in a way is what this blog does for me, it lets me reflect.

Otherwise everything has been pretty good.
Partner is doing well and we're very happy. We've been getting together with a lot of friends (straight and gay) since last summer. There was a little quite break over the holidays where I didn't hear from ANYONE and it worried me, but I think I was overreacting(?)
Crush: I have contacted him outside of that one meeting, just short mails regarding something among mutual friends etc. Nothing major. Time and distance does seem effective, I can see things differently, it's curious how I behave when I'm smitten, seems pretty illogical in retrospect, then, I expected that, I know myself too well. (And is why I KNEW I needed to isolate myself completely before I made a complete ASS of myself! lol.)

Anyways, I know some (or one? -> Troll) has asked me if I was ok. I'm fine! Just wondering where I go from here with this blog...but now I think I have an idea.

Valentine's Day Finally

Reflecting back on my life, I can see that love was never really easy.
Being in the closet and trying to pretend my feelings were not real can really taint days like Valentine's Day.

I remember many times, just going off somewhere far away. I'd go for a hike alone somewhere isolated, where there wasn't a lot of people. I'd climb up to the top, find a spot to enjoy the view and just sit there for hours until the sun started to set.

Looking across the vast expanse, I would simultaneously be in awe at the beauty of nature together with the feeling of being completely insignificant. As the day wore on, it would get colder as the sun set, and everything would get darker and greyer. I would just stare out over the scene and pause for a couple seconds, holding my body, my breath completely still and experience it all. How my existance was completely unimportant with respect to the world, just like my feelings for love were so unimportant to the world.

This seemed to reflect a kind of tragic beauty of love to me, and how I felt about it on the inside.
I was confused that I could have such an amazing gift of life and also be so unhappy. Unhappy because I knew that the one's I'd fall in love, wouldn't, couldn't, or, according to my religion, shouldn't love me back. My existence often felt like my shadow as it mixed in with the rest of the dark cold nothingness as the sun set, empty and nonexistant.

It went on like this for many years. Never really sharing my true feelings to my loves,
as I'd carefully guard my feelings like the dutiful soldier diligently guards his post.
Valentine's Day never had good memories for me. How could it? My love's had their own sweet Valentine, and I was too "good" to let them know how I really felt.

I don't think I would have made it if I kept that up much longer. I probably would have become very depressed or something worse. Fortunately, I was able to escape to a place far away and start new. A job allowed me to move to the other side of the country, fairly safe that I could start over, leaving all my baggage and past loves behind me.

It was scary, but it was worth it. I was so worried to leave my home and friends really, across the country alone and not knowing anyone, but I knew the hard fact that I wasn't happy there and it wouldn't get better. It's especially clear in retrospect...

My situation is pretty good. Now that I've found love in finding accepting friends, now that I've found love in my accepting family. Now that I found love in my accepting and supportive partner.

Now that I found love in accepting myself.

Finally, a Happy Valentine's Day...

Husbear

I don't talk about my partner much so thought to post something about him. There is no relationship problems there to speak of (as my postings might imply) and I have to admit I'm pretty damn lucky. Sure I obsess over these other guys I blog about, (I think I'm inspired to capture my thinking over these "crushes" and the tortured emotions in writing) but the reality is I'm pretty damn happy with my "husbear."

When I think about it, we get along so damn well. We never really left our honeymoon period I think, we're still very much in love with each other. Sure we don't have that intense passionate sex multiple times a day like we did in the beginning...it's just changed slightly, though the routine is still there.

Every day in the morning we get up and immediatly start making each other laugh. We can't seem to help it really anytime. Especially when we're alone, we just laugh about stupid things. It usually starts off as something simple or silly and reaches some absurd level. We also spend a considerable amount of time spooning. Just laying there in bed or on the couch and talking about whatever, holding hands, leaning on each other or holding each other affectionately. We must do this for hours on end and almost every day. (I usually notice after a while that this is something we could never do in public like straight couples do.)

I remember when I realized we were going to be "together", I became terribly afraid. I felt that I needed to take care of myself because he needed me, and that he needed to take care of himself too because I needed him too. When you just have yourself you can feel a little more cavalier about your own safety and worry less about yourself (as I did) but once I found love, I felt all of a sudden a responsibility and commitment to it. Others must feel this way too. I imagine this also must be the same feeling parents have when they have kids.

In retrospect, knowing this life is all I had, in a world friendly to our kind or not, it's been all worth it to take that risk to love, and I've been lucky enough to have found it!

A Test

So, a big day came and went.
I saw him, finally, after so many months of self imposed isolation...

We had chatted in email a few times since then too
and to be honest, I had been looking forward to this meeting.

Though, I intentionally kept my distance in our encounter-
saying little more than a quick hello, a smile and passing by while we did our work.
Too afraid that I'll be overcome with the "magic" that so easily stole my heart.
Not making the usual effort to go over there and chat like I would with so many others.

Later as I was going to my car to leave, he happened to pass by enroute to his car and stopped by to talk since we didn't really say much earlier.

I was glad he did, I didn't really say much, intentionally not trying to seem too enthusiastic
or see him very clearly in the darkened street-light lit lot. We had a brief conversation one might have to someone you see everyday.

And then it was done. We went off our own ways.
It seems to be working, the intensity of the emotions seems to have considerably waned in my self imposed isolation over the past months.

Yet, the grip is still there.

I knew I couldn't look too closely
into his face,
into his beautiful blue eyes,
and charming smile,
lest find myself trapped again.

Though there is more to this story than I'm telling...

Which made me a little more particularly nervous to this encounter
because a couple months back in a holiday email exchange
I outed myself to him.

Nothing about my strong feelings for him, just my "situation."
He expressed surprised, (though I'm doubtful he didn't suspect!)
and yet seemed ok with it. But email is so elusively cordial.

Seeing him in person did validate the fact that he was ok with it.
And even though I struggle with how I feel about him,
it's just another person to make me feel ok
to be who I am and not having to hide that fact.

Hopeful and Happy New Year

The new year was a little less dreary for me than it has always been in the past.
Something is different. Perhaps it has something to do with the out-ings of the past year.
I see, now, that I was SO afraid and it's a curious thing to see in retrospect.

I think the expectation was a lot of pain and suffering, with the hope it would be liberating.
I was surprised it wasn't a lot of pain and suffering at all! The fear I made for myself was the worse part. The past year was a lot of internal struggle and unnecessary psychological torture, for trying but being too afraid and getting depressed over it. But it's now past me and the world already looks a little better, a little more hopeful.

I hear and read alot of hope for the new year.
In the celebratory discussions, in the words written in the blogs, in the news...

I think this is only a testament to the fact that there is a need for hope.

Not just in my life, and my reads lives to struggle with our gay side,
but in the world around us,
with the wars,
the greed, corruption and lies,
drastic changes to the environment, the oceans and animals,
new illnesses and more suffering,
more ignorance,
more hate...

I wish a year of hope for change.
Hope for a better life for us all and those we love.

BUT, I know hope is not enough, I need to take action too, we all do.
I think the world has, in many ways, become a little too complacent.
Letting things run a dangerous course that we CAN change if we act to make it right,
instead of standing on the side hoping someone will do something.

So, I hope for all of your lives to be better in the new year
I hope a better world for us too.
And I hope that we will do what we know will make those dreams for a better world
a reality.

Happy New Year!

A Homophobic Christmas Story

Imagine you're a father going through a divorce and custody of your kids.
You have a blog and links on your blog to your kids blogs there.
You blog about things in your life, occasionally posting pics of your kids there too.
Yes there is sexual content there, and even "half-naked-thursday" pics of yourself.

A stranger comes along and mentions that they think it's inappropriate for you to be posting links to your kid's blogs and their pictures with the adult content of your blog.
You think about it and maybe even agree, so you start modifying the blog to make it more appropriate. (You never mentioned your real name or your kids name's.)
You thank the stranger for pointing it out...

Is this how the story goes?

Not if you are a GAY father.

This stranger doesn't just mention it's inappropriate to you,
he threatens to "expose" you to the world. His objectives are not really clear, though it appears he wants to make your life hell.

He begins to tell you how he's printing out your entire blog and going to make copies and show them to the various authorities to include the police and your co-workers etc. in hopes of ruining your life by you losing your job and custody of your kids. He goes on to mention how you make him sick, how you are a terrible parent and other things like how you march in parade's with NAMBLA members, that you are sexually harassing co-workers (and he's going to let them know) and that you had sex with a police officer (and is going to inform the police department about it.) He taunts you to keep the kleenex close by because you are going to start crying...
He mentions that he's actually enjoying it too. He's also claiming that's all of this is done to "protect your kids"...

You're amazed how he justifies his actions when just notifying you would've sufficed.
INSTEAD he's now hell-bent on making your world hell.

Sound unreal? Oh it's real. Go read Scotty's blog.

Welcome to the gay world, to these people you are a threat. Every prejudice is apparently true to them. You can't be treated as a normal human being with any respect or dignity. To them, you are an abomination and your life needs to be carefully and systematically ruined.

btw, Merry Christmas.

Seduction Survey Says

During these holiday times, I tend to get a little gloomy, BUT it's the holidays right?
(Whatever I've been brooding over can come later.)

Anyways, I don't normally like doing these survey things...but here you go! They can be fun.
(I'm a little confused as to what the second section of my analysis means, is it oddly worded compared to the others?)

Ah, seduction. I love pleasing my partners over anything...again and again. Tis true. "Tantric Master" though?! Hmm...not so sure about that.

Thanksgiving Followup

Anonymous blogging is really tricky I'm coming to realize. I find it a little difficult to tell my "story" and not give so much detail without someone possibly figuring it out...the advantage of course is that I can say whatever I want otherwise, which I must admit is liberating.

As a solution, I've thought to be vague, which is what I do usually, but this tactic seems to detract from the story I could tell. So I thought I could maybe change the details altogether? I don't know...it's tricky.

Thanksgiving went pretty good. I'm pretty handy, so most of the time at these family get togethers I do find myself "fixing" stuff (well being asked to fix stuff while I'm there.) It reminds me of a time in High School. If a group of us showed up to one of my friend's house, his mother would usually put us to some task while we were there. For example, it might be to help move a couch or something. We were always willing to help of course, but I always found it to be humorous. This still happens to me now, so maybe I'm just super helpful or a sucker too... I guess at least, I'm appreciated and I earned my free T-day dinner. Yum.
I've been bringing about my "room-mate" and I think some not "in the know" are putting it together. They seem pretty cool about it, though, I imagine many are cool with it as long as it's not publicly acknowledged. Just like how our government and churches would like to see it: "we know it exists, just keep it in the closet." Which I say is BS.

The weekend following was excellent. A group of old friends got together and we all hung out the whole weekend at a secluded place. It was a really good time. They were a bunch of straight couples plus me and my partner. It's a pretty good feeling that everything seems pretty much as it always was before, except that now we all have significant others. These friends are very liberally minded and it was heartwarming for me to see how accepting they are of me. I can only hope the same for others out there struggling, that they can find such a level of acceptance and good friends that they see me as the multifaceted person I am and not just the 'gay' guy, plus that they are accepting of my partner too.

My feelings for my secret crush has subsided a lot. So, as I'd expected, isolation must be working. That's not to say the feelings are completely gone, I can tell they are not. I'm a little worried what will happen at our next meeting. Will I just lose it again? Or will I just be disinterested and not care anymore. It can really go either way. For some people, if I just see them after a long time, just a mere glance at them can send me over instantly. I'd become completely enamored just like before. Although the feelings have died somewhat, I can still feel a feeling like I'm waiting to see him again. And I know I'm a very patient at waiting.

I can wait years...

Thanks + Giving

I feel I have much to be thankful this time of year.
I know I'm pretty lucky, I have good friends, a loving family, and a wonderful partner.

I know during the holidays, it can be such a lonely time. I remember...
This is also a time to give. It can be a pretty uplifting experence to share your love so do it if you feel yourself in a slump. You can make a difference too.

As a side note, I've been attempting to blog comments but I realized that since migrating to beta, submitting a comment prompts me to a google logon screen, after logging on, it leads to your blog (where did the comment I just spent writing go?!)

They disappeared I think...sucks!

Anyways, I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving.

Forced? Migration

So I checked out my blog here and it looked odd.
I've been getting the "invite" to upgrade but didn't want to...

So checking on my blog recently, I noticed my blog didn't have my profile info
Also:
No comments or ability to comment (when there were some)
No links
Nothing but a couple paragraphs of my most recent post

I was confused...
So I (begrudgingly) migrated to the "new" blogger (though, still called Beta?!)

I've also noticed some odd new "features"
like existing posts where comments HAD an associated name or link
are now anonymous!!

Annoying.

Yet, I can only bow to the Google Gods.

Unexpected

So over the past week, there have been a few more "outings"

They both made me a little nervous but they went very well.

I notice how some people you worry so much about (I was expecting a really negative reaction at least from one) didn't happen at all. In fact, I heard a rumor that we share more in "common" that I thought. It made me laugh a little (though I don't know if it's really true) but I know it's possible.

Once again, I was pleasantly surprised and WRONG.

The other one was a little more emotionally trying. I had to put a little more effort into it, but again, it turned out really great.

I see it becoming much easier. I think people (at least around here in a fairly liberal suburbia) are a little more receptive to the idea that there are a lot of people who are gay and that's just the way they are...

It's a pretty good feeling to know more people are okay with it. Some were surprised that I was thinking that THEY would have a problem with it, which strangely put ME on the defensive.

In retrospect, I do think there are a couple reasons why everything's gone pretty well for me.

1) the people I've chose to out myself know me and like me, so although it maybe a surprise, they are more accepting of this fact. (I see that some are really surprised so I must be hiding it well?!)

2) these people also have known me for a while (months to years) and have gotten to "know" who I am as a person and friend. I think this makes it easier to look beyond the gay thing and see how nothing has really changed and that this is only a piece of who I am. They can see that my orientation doesn't completely define me.

3) I'm fortunate to have a partner, who I've been with for a long time (longer than many of these people have known me.) So, in a way, I think they see it as a relief for them to know I'm being more upfront with them. They seem to feel a sense of honor to be "in the know" too.

4) the opportunity for them to meet my partner changes the dynamic too. It puts a face to my "gayness" and they realize that he's pretty cool too, and together, it's easier to see that we are not much different than they are, instead of them trying to imagine me as some stereotypical gay they've only seen on TV or in some comedy. The stereotypical gay I'm definitely not.

The atmosphere is different than I thought. I'm not sure how or why. I do think I'm helping the "cause" because there could be others in the crowd who are struggling and when they see me, and how everyone else is reacting in a generally positive light, maybe they won't be so afraid to let the others know.

Maybe they won't be so afraid just like I was.

I do have to give credit to my readers and their supportive comments, some of you have challenged my ideas, identified my fears. I was able to see that in some ways, the fear was all in my mind. I also have to thank my brave reads for inspiration. Some days I think I have it tough and then I read their blogs and I just think, wow, I don't have it tough at all!

Gifts

I know recently it may seem that it's all dark and troubled in my world.
It's not all like that really. Every day is a day with laughter mixed with tears.

I think I just feel most inspired to blog whenever things are dark inside...

I appreciate the comments too, I know I've been bad in responding to them.
It's given me alot to think about, I'm mulling over what's been said there.
About how we have friends and how things change.

It seems to me that even if things had changed or that we lost touch (intentionally or not) or if we find we have only a few. In general, friends are gifts.
They are there for you, you for them, to share the time and the moment, someone who makes you laugh, or offers a shoulder to cry on, and maybe even someone for whom, you secrety pine. (or better you both fall in love with each other!)

Things are on the up and up recently with some potentially good things coming up this week.
So we'll see how those turn out...

Like An Old Photograph

So just when I though I was starting to get over him...
I happened to see him tonight by chance, kinda.

Didn't say anything, just saw him from a distance, though, I felt my heart sink.
Plus, I felt like a complete idiot, although I could have made an effort to approach him and say something.

I realized I didn't even want to say anything at all...more like I was afraid to really.
I just walked away, though, I'm sure he saw me.
And as I walked away, it just made me incredibly upset over it all.

I know I could just clear it all up if I confronted him...though,
I'm not sure if I should, or what I might say...
maybe he doesn't want me to confront him
or any number of imaginable combinations of maybe's and what if's.
I don't know...it would be easier if he came to me. I'm too afraid.

I can reason that sure, any connection I could make might have made things better or happier,
but I'm not sure how that will ever be true in the long run.

I can only imagine he'd be happier without me.

This reminds me of how I am towards a lot of my very old friends.
The one's I have estranged from my past, placed in that limbo.
We've grown so far apart from where I was then, the confused, unhappy, lonely kid.
I've changed so much from that time, confident, happy, (cynical?), unlonely...and yes, GAY.

I can't imagine they might even like me today knowing they have changed little
so, instead of tainting that beautiful image of what we shared long ago
I've chosen to keep it hanging there without any updates, without any connection to them
carefully framed and frozen in time
like an old photograph hanging on the wall.
Silent and still, the subjects oblivious to their onlookers
fully engaged in their whatever memorable activities needing capturing

Not knowing how badly they are all missed looking back.

A Flower in My Heart

I grew a flower in my heart for you but I had to let it die
I covered it from the sun and let the soil dry up catching my tears from landing on your thirsty leaves and roots now cold and barren,
it withered and wilted but it won't die so quickly,
it persists, shrinking smaller and smaller back into a seed, a former self
laying dormant, hoping to return
for another time, for another opportunity to blossom.

Had this general thought on my way to work, and decided to write it out here. I think it's important to write out what I feel, for me and a testament to my reads that this feeling I have for men is not so alien as the homo-critics make it sound.

The feelings I'm getting here ARE the feelings of love. I can't explain why I have them for whom I do. It's not something I seem to "choose."

Our attraction to other people is such a strange thing too. I wonder what it is, why it is that we fall in love, and keep falling again and again, even when we have someone to love. Yet, it happens so suddenly and nothing I feel I have any emotional control over. I know I AM in control (well at least while he's not around.)

I've learned through time and practice in the closet, how to pretend and somewhat suppress the feeling for "forbidden" love. It just takes effort, isolation...followed by sorrow, depression and acceptance. I hate how it just lingers for so long. You die inside and it happens so slowly.

And I see how this is different for a bi/gay guy in a straight marriage. For that man, it may be that he never felt love from a man. ( Or felt love at all! God forbid, if he was pretending to love his wife.) I can imagine the turmoil I could cause, if I continued to express my affection...
only to discover he felt this way about me too, awakening that struggle within him
- it could be so distructive to his marriage. I don't want that to happen, I see how affected some my reads are over this. Although, I realize that if feeling is there, it is already a struggle for him. I just don't want to be the catalyst. I also realize this is true for any feelings of love outside a marriage, since at its most fundemental level, we ARE talking about infidelity.

I'm Not In Love

It was during that time last month, when my emotions were running high over life and figuring out who was important to me, that I think I inadvertantly hinted my true feelings towards a friend of mine. Yes, he's straight and married. My secret crush, that guy outside of my relationship that I've been trying to surpress my feelings towards. I've known him for over two years now, and just started to notice how he's taken a hold of my emotions. I didn't want it...

It's the things guys do if they find themselves uncomfortably attracted to another guy. The same things I'd do when I was "straight." You intentionally just ignore them and avoid them, even though the feeling is killing you to stay away from them. So you don't stay away too far. You still find yourself hoping to see them next time, even though you may say nothing to them, or even acknowledge them. Although, a simple hello will send you over for a week.

It's a sad game really. I wonder if others do it as well. Trying to kill the feelings, trying to kill the hope. I keep telling myself when the feelings begin to grow, "Just stop!"

So, like I'd done before, I'd write these terribly long winded letters expressing myself. But I never send them. (The thing that's been occupying my blog writing time.)

I'd later analyse and mull over them, to help see how affected I am. How "illogical" I am in hoping we might share the same feelings towards each other. How they are written with fear and apprehension of a negative response. Skirting the question of mutual affection, but never really stating it explicitly. And then I'd write more and repeat the cycle.

I'd see these lines of thought and begin cutting them off - cutting them out. I'd just let the feelings slowly bleed themselves out of me onto the paper
like a weeping wound that won't heal.

I've taken pretty drastic steps actually, I've cut off all communication in a non-obvious way. The opportunity arose, so I took it...regretably. I'm missing him pretty badly now though.

I always do.

Reminds me of an old 10CC song I used to listen to a time long ago.
I was too young to know what the lyrics meant, though, I think I know now...
"Be quite." she whispers, "Big boys don't cry..."

I'm Not in Love ( 10 CC )

I'm not in love, so don't forget it.
It's just a silly phase I'm going through.
And just because I call you up,
Don't get me wrong, don't think you've got it made.
I'm not in love, no no, it's because...

I like to see you, but then again,
That doesn't mean you mean that much to me.
So if I call you, don't make a fuss,
Don't tell your friends about the two of us.
I'm not in love, no no, it's because...

I keep your picture upon the wall.
It hides a nasty stain that's lying there.
So don't you ask me to give it back.
I know you know it doesn't mean that much to me.
I'm not in love, no no, it's because...

Ooh, you'll wait a long time for me.
Ooh, you'll wait a long time.
Ooh, you'll wait a long time for me.
Ooh, you'll wait a long time.

I'm not in love, so don't forget.
It's just a silly phase I'm going through.
And just because I call you up,
Don't get me wrong, don't think you've got it made.
Ooh, I'm not in love... I'm not in love!

Unrequited

I know it has been a while since I blogged last, I've been bad.
It's not that I have stopped blogging, I just haven't been publishing anything.
My feelings have been fleeting, manic and unorganized.
There is just too much going on inside my head to post into something coherent.
I've needed to reflect on it all and put it into some perspective a bit. Piece by piece.

One entry I've made seems like something I might mention.
When I began this blog, I remember I chose a part of my blog name "unrequited" (as in "unrequited love") and it seemed to fit at the time but I wasn't really sure what I meant or why.
I thought maybe the choice was related to my traveling companion of long ago.

Yet, I've come to realize something in the past month following this "outing" period
in something I wrote but hadn't published at the time:

I can't seem to shake this overwhelming feeling
of feeling so unloved in the world
by the many strangers who hate me
for who I am
and yet, I can't help but love the world.
Hoping they will one day find compassion
and understanding and forgiveness.
It's a terrible feeling to feel so unloved

I guess, I feel there is hate waiting there for me and I don't have any hate to return.
Although it is easy to be angry, bitter and hardened,
deep down, there is an incredible sadness and an overpowering feeling of loss.

And a uneasy feeling of more loss to come...

But on happier notes,
there have been so many good things that have happened too
and I see good things happening around me
with friends and family, much more pleasant get togethers and reconnecting with the estranged
and in the lives of my blog reads with the stories of: rabbits, passionate love, coffee dates, trips to the beach, travels far away, discussions with fathers, 100 things and many others...

Just so many signs that there is still hope in our troubled hate ridden world.
And comfort that I am loved by those who matter...

A Harder Heart And Thicker Skin

I realize that one thing about the outing process
is that it leaves you emotionally vulnerable.

You're there waiting for feedback and hopeful reassurance
Not realizing it may never come or be met with approval.

Not everyone is friendly or without hatred.
Not even the people you'd expect to be.
Many will feel lost for a while too.

Leaving you feeling empty, sad and disappointed.

So I realized that I should not have left myself open like this.
I need to be less vulnerable
I need to harden my heart a little
and grow a thicker skin

The world didn't just become
some magical place all of a sudden

It's just like it was before,
cold, cruel and lonely

But it's not all that bad really.

I just have to expect it to be there
with all the good AND the bad
because that's life.

A Telling Dream?

I was looking over some of unpublished postings and strangely,
on the 26th of last month I had a telling dream about how I was (and am) feeling.

I think it showed that I had anxiety over the out-ing experience and was dreaming about it.
The dream was strange because the emotions were so mixed. First I was content, then angry and resentful, then sad and finally hopeful. Very manic!

(the dream)

I was with some friends (who I was not out to) and we were driving around town.
At some point we all got out of the car to look at something, but then
they got back in the car and left me there.

I was angry and confused. I couldn't imagine why they would do this.
I imagined they were just oblivious to the fact I was gone.
How could they?! Didn't they see I was missing?!

So I ran across town towards the bar where I knew they would be found and became
so angry and jealous that they had betrayed me. By the time I found where they were,
In the parking lot, one of the friends, the driver, was just parking the car. I yelled at him and expressed what I would do to the car with some object I held. But when looking at him I could see his anxiety over it all.

I suddenly realized it was not his fault. It was not any of their faults.
They just didn't want me to be with them.

I was immediately filled with remorse and began apologizing to the driver that I was so angry and over what I had said to him.

The others came outside the bar and expressed their desire for the object I had in my possession (strangely.) So, I held out the object and handed it into their outstretched hands. They were overjoyed but I remained saddened and said nothing and turned away.

I remember walking down the city streets in the darkness. It felt unsafe. I thought I should call for a cab or since it was still early in the evening, I might go head over to a gay bar I knew. It was a friendly place in my mind. I felt I could use a friendly place just then, so headed over to it feeling a little better.

Then, I woke up.

Rearranging

I feel I've been pretty emotional about things recently.
A lot of changes going on at the same time...work, personal, here in blogland...

As for the latest on the outing. It's been even MORE quiet that normal. I have seen a couple people here and there, everyone seems generally happy towards me, yet it seems very very quiet.

I'm not sure I like it.

For example, I would have expected some invites from my coworkers to some Labor Day festivities. I even talked to someone who mentioned they might, yet none came.
I'm starting to think that the change HAS happened...I'm no longer me, I've become an untouchable.
I'm that "gay guy" now...
"he makes us feel weird, let's not invite him."
They don't say it out loud, it's just subconcious or an unspoken understanding?
I don't know, maybe everyone's just not around this weekend and I'm imagining this all.
If I hear anything happened next week and no one invited me, then I'll know.
I'll be pretty upset, but I'll just have to live with it, and they weren't really my friends then so it won't be a total loss I guess.

I also rearranging things around in my life, too.
I need to refocus on the things that count...my partner, my family etc.
Also, I've been rethinking the "playing sports" and not play so I can focus on other things I've been neglecting too.

Of course there's more...I've written a handful of posts I'm not sure I will publish yet, they cut a a little too deeply, I need to let them settle down in my mind a little.

Otherwise things seem just ok. The weather's nice at least and have a lot of fun plans.
Hope everyone here is doing the same. Enjoy.

The Stranded Blogs of Brave Men (Chapter 2)

So, I've seen a couple more blogs getting deleted,
one recently hits home pretty hard.
One I've read since day one coming here: Drew

Drew has made a really big step it seems, and needs to delete his blog (well, has deleted.)

I will miss his blog soo much.

I hope him the best and to take care, be strong and be safe.
Drew, don't lose sight of love during this time.
Thanks so much for sharing your life and your struggle with us!
I'm very grateful...
Stay true to who you are.

I leave you with a verse from
"The Frog Prince" by Keane

Your prince's crown
Cracks and falls down
Your castle hollow and cold
You've wandered so far
From the person you are
Let go brother, let go
'Cause now we all know

Unknowingly Reaching Out

I find it incredibly strange how people we don't even know, in their blog or comments, can change you - a few words just reach out to you...

This past weekend, some guy (Marc) I don't know, nor blog I ever visited, made a strange comment on Scott's blog. He realized that (I think it was Friday) that he was very sick, too sick to blog and he decided that he would not blog anymore but spend more time with (I assume his real-life in the flesh) friends and family...

I briefly read his top entries of his fairwell in his blog (you cannot read them now, I think his brother hid them from the public per his wishes, I respect that, yet I wish I could have "taken a couple photo's", like I've mentioned in a previous blog entry.) He wanted everyone to know that he was glad for all the support and valued all the friends he made on the internet. There were also a list of things he suggested people do...

I recall some of them and it made a lot of sense.

One was to write out letters to everyone you care about, with addresses (but no stamps since the prices change), just in case you died suddenly, and hide them, someone is assigned to deliver these. I like this idea because it made me think that he must really care about the people who will be sad when he left, and he can tell them how much they meant etc. might help them deal with your passing. I have thought of something similiar myself.

Another was to make sure you tell the people you love and care about everytime you part or say goodbye. I know this is very true...you really don't know when the last time you'll see someone again. You never really know, we always think people will be around forever. It also goes without saying to never part angry if possible for the same reason.

There were others, I can't remember them all. They were very supportive of everyone like people who are still in the closet, and friends who are addicted to drugs etc.

I guess what struck me so oddly, was his matter-of-fact way about it all. Seemed very practical, he seemed that he accepted this fate, although he was very scared and sad of course...
His comments on Scotty's blog did make me reflect on life...

I had made plans to work this whole weekend. A beautiful weekend, sunny in the 70's, no real plans really. My partner would be happily sitting at home alone.
But after reading his blog, I was terribly saddened. I remember walking upstairs and hugging my partner as he lay in bed...I decided, I don't HAVE to work this weekend, not this weekend at least. I'm going to stay home.

And I did. Even though work beckoned, I resisted and I'm glad I did. It was so restfully simple, free and even memorable. We spent a lot of time doing nothing but laying in bed talking...the sun shining through the curtains onto the bed...(and did some more the next day.)

Then on Monday, I hear this guy had passed away. I couldn't believe it! "Already!?" I thought...I was stunned and shocked. A part of me was deeply moved and saddened, he was so young...

In his last days, his last posts that I DID read, his last fairwell's to his blog friends, he reminded me of what is really important:

Sometimes it makes sense to put the world on hold and spend your time with the ones you care about and love.

I feel bad, like I actually benefitted from his misfortune...yet, part of me wondered...I wonder if he knew how drastically my weekend changed from his farewell. I wonder if he would have been happy to find out that I decided, like him, to spend my time with the real people who mean the most to me, over some other worldly activity.

I think, he'd be glad of what I did. I think he would've gotten a kick out of it...
Thanks stranger.

Opening Dangerous Doors

I hadn't outed myself to my team mates like I was thinking I would.
I'm starting to think it's not really worth it to open that door.

We don't really see each other except for the once a week game.
I probably would have, since there was a birthday party a while back, but most of the guys never went so I figured it wasn't worth it (and since then have reconsidered.)

Although some of them DO know (since I work with them.) Funny about this one guy I was pretty surprised about on the team. He acts as if it's no big deal - exactly the opposite a couple of us thought he would. Just goes to show you, you can't really make judgements on other people like that.

He even asks me to bring my partner along to the games so he can hang out with his wife which was kinda cute. I was thinking, "I don't know about that." He was like, "why?" I explained that people will quickly put 2 and 2 together and I don't think some of these guys will be too keen on that. He realized the dilemna after I explained it. Funny how it's so clear when it's clear how it adversely affects YOU. He's a good guy, I completely underestimated him.

Rethinking this has made me rethink the "outings"
It is possible I will tell some others...or not.

Sometimes I feel I have to be weary of my reasons for outing myself too.
I've been asking myself alot of these types of questions:

"why should I tell this person?"
"why do they need to know?"
and in a few cases
"why do I feel like I really WANT to tell this particular person?"

It's in those few cases, I can imagine reasons ...and to be completely honest, I can't say the reasons in my mind are completely honorable either...
I have a gut feeling I know how they feel about me, and I suspect this might just open a door.

Not the opening of a door of me coming out of any closet,
but the opening of a door of their closet
just wide enough for them to reach out, grab hold of me, and pull me in.

Desire is a dangerous thing.

Silent Flirtations

It seems to me that before I hit the gay scene, the guys I knew were less talkative about their attraction or desires. Mostly between guys who weren't openly gay, just curious, or closeted or just wanted to keep it a secret.

When the attraction is too obvious, and we were alone,
guys seem to have made their move on me
by leaning in for a hug and maybe then
gently running their hand along my shoulder,
my arm, my thigh, my ass, my crotch...
maybe leaning in for a kiss first.
No words, just silence.
As if words would destroy the mood (or admit it was too gay.)

Mostly, in public places, say with others around,
it's way more subtle than that.
The way someone looked at me
Their eyes seem to contact just a little longer than normal
Their smile just a little too flirtatious.
Or when standing close, they'd be just inside the usual comfort zone
maybe close enough to make some kind of body contact
arm to arm, leg against leg,
constantly resting there against you
or perhaps brushing skin, where only you'd notice.

Like a strange silent courtship ritual
with carefully chosen movements and behaviors
just subtle enough for each other to get the idea
that there's something more there
Just at the edge of being discovered, but still safe.
Safe from an embarrassing admission
or worse, a violent rejection.

I still notice these things today, once in a while I'll notice seemingly, accidental contact; a brush against my arm... then again.
Standing a little closer than expected now.

I usually just ignore it, it seems like a bunch of head games (or not worth it?)
I'd just rather openly admit it that there's some level of attraction there.
Maybe I'd say to him (if we were alone of course),
"I know this is going to sound crazy, but, I keep getting this feeling that you're attracted to me..."
then if applicable, "I like you too"
and then out of obligation, "but I'm taken."

ANYWAYS, I know I won't do it. They would probably die if I said that - having broken the "code of silence", wait, who am I kidding? I wouldn't have the nerve!

I'll just smile it away and pretend I didn't notice.
(Though I'm curious how they might react to such a statement!)

Bondage

Jay was a really nice guy. He was a bartender at a bar I frequented and he and I had become pretty good friends. I'd wander in and if the bar was empty (or not), I'd spend the whole night chatting with him.

A stocky, heavyset big-boned guy with nice thick hands and furry arms. We were around the same height but he could have been double my mass. He had that deep calming voice and hearty laugh and a very masculine way about him, more "retro" than metrosexual with his flannel cut-off shirts, jeans and boots. His buzz cut dirty blonde hair disappeared into his big strong head and neck. A short bristled mustache sat neatly trimmed below his friendly relaxed blue eyes. Only his slight inflections on certain key words, ever gave away the fact that he was gay. He'd talk about his broken heart or some guy he pined for often. Or we'd talk about the latest gossip among our mutual friends.

Our mutual attraction was always there from the start, and we'd joking make statements implying hooking up, we'd flirt endlessly in a friendly way. A lot of our conversation was flirty really. Although, it was a friendship where you have a deep level of trust right off the bat. Not really a common thing but not really that rare either, even with my straight friends. But then Jay was always had a very honest trusting way about him.

Well, one day, as friends sometimes do, we decided, "why not?" I had nothing to lose, I was very much a newby and newly single. (This was perhaps my second hookup ever.) He knew that I was new too so maybe I looked like fresh meat to him.

We left the bar and headed out to my car and decided to first hit the local sex shop (like I said, I was a newb so he was going to show me the ropes on what we should get.) In our city, this sex shop is actually pretty classy as stores go. People go there to buy clothing and toys (of which they had a very large selection.) The porn DVD's were really only a small section of the store and it never had that strange seedy feel a lot of sex places have.

I was nervous being there with him because I was just recently in the gay scene and being in a sex shop with another guy was kinda weird and felt too revealing to "onlookers." He was completely at home there. He'd happily explain it to me the condoms we'd need and some silicon lube (the expensive stuff.) We figured that'd be good enough and headed out to my apartment across town perhaps 20 minutes away. The night was young still.

On the ride, nothing felt awkward, our conversation proceeded naturally as usual. Although I'm sure there was some excitement there and I was a little anxious to get back to my apartment and finally get to be with him. You flirt with someone so long (perhaps months now) and knowing it's coming, really sends your mind racing with anticipation.

I still remember watching him take off his clothes. It was almost surreal and seemed to be in slow motion. I was absorbing every detail in my eyes, recording the event at strobe speed. He was so handsome and friendly about everything, smiling as he undressed. Looking at his hairy blonde covered muscular bearish body, my clothes were off in a split second. I walked over to where he was and we kissed and embraced.

It's so much fun to start off by "making out" with someone you've wanted for a while, it can get pretty heated once you lock lips. Everything becomes such a whirlwind at the first contact with someone you've been waiting for. The room starts spinning, your bodies start groping and moving and twirling around each other as your faces melt together, arms embracing, squeezing and holding.

I led him and slowly moved him down on the bed where we continued to kiss passionately and grope. At some point you start with the sex. He was such a fun easy going guy, there wasn't any real rushed movements and lots of fun dialog, like, "hey let's try this." I remember taking our time and making the sex last. Even after we had both cum, it STILL wasn't done...the heated making out and playing continued.

That's when he confessed that he wanted to be tied up.

I thought this was kinda odd since I thought we were done already, but thought, what the heck? I went about the house to find things, rope, a strap from a bag, a bandana that I could use for a blindfold. And as I started, I could tell from his erection, he really enjoyed being bound. He told me he wanted me to be "firm" with him and order him around. Now I realized I was to assume the "dom" role.

Mind you, I've never done this before so it was kinda fun to see he was having fun. I put on his blindfold and started ordering him around. I had some military training so really knew how to "dog him" - barking out my commands. "Get up!" I'd order him. "Faster! Don't make me wait. Put your hands behind your back you dog!" I'd bark out like a drill sergeant to a new recruit. I sensed he was feeling uneasy since it was probably too convincing and very unlike my usual friendly personality. I took the strap from the bag and wound up his hands behind his back (not too tight but restrictive non-the-less, careful that I was not hurting him.) I then laid him on the bed on his back with his arms behind him, helpless. I started to play, tying his balls up in string. He was loving it.

He needs to be spanked, I thought. So, I went to the kitchen to find something I could spank him with. I remember looking for a spatula. I only had a metal one and thought that might cut so settled on using a big plastic spoon. I proceeded hitting his inner thighs with this spoon alternating it with sessions of me playing with him. Just as he was starting to really enjoy the pleasure, I'd stop and overstimulate him by only rubbing the top surface of the head of his dick without stroking it, making him WANT to cum but he couldn't. He'd whimper knowningly "oooh....you're brutal!" I'd relent like this alternating the pleasure and pain. He seemed to really like it, so I continued to "torture" him and yell at him until he came again! I was like, wow, 2 times in one night only a couple hours apart...I didn't need another, nor was I really into S&M so I was content that he was happy.

As I untied him, he commented that I was REALLY good (at being a "dom?") I just laughed about it thinking, yeah...sure. I'm willing to please.

The rest of the evening was about rushing back to his car that was left at the bar. We'd occasionally steal glances between the silence and laugh. What just happened seemed surreal and was pretty funny to us. It was like 3am now and was a work day tomorrow. Checking on the time, we were fooling around non stop for at least 6 hours! Probably the longest session I can remember and my only bondage role except for an occasional pair of handcuff's.

We never "hooked up" again after that. I don't see him much around since he has a job that keeps him pretty busy. If I do, we do have a closer friendship than I have with the others just because of this one episode we shared.

The Quiet Restless After Lull

I can't help feeling that it's unusually quiet, since outing myself a couple weeks ago.

Like people are avoiding me
Whispering behind my back
Weeping my tragedy in silence
Avoiding to speak my name among each other

I attribute this to the "shock time" I saw with my siblings.

They seem to become withdrawn from you mentally.
Your presence is noticeably uncomfortable for them.
They begin rambling in non-ordered fashion about random topics.
Their mind racing away from something.

I imagine it's because they can't help but think of "the gay thing" when you're around and simultaneously feel incredibly embarrassed or whatever.
Maybe because they've become so self-conscious about it themselves
and don't want to discuss such an uncomfortable topic with you. (Uncomfortable to them that is.)

I imagine there must be a million questions they don't want to ask but are dying to know. I think there is some disturbing imagery surrounding you that they find difficult. They visualize seeing you having sex with another guy and it's shocking to them and want to block it out of their mind. It's the same as visualizing your parents having sex perhaps.

And it is as if I WANT them to ask questions, as if any explanation would help them cope with it...but none come. The feeling I have inside, is like telling everyone that you're dying of a terminal illness and yet they don't care to talk about it, discuss the details or ask how you're feeling. Instead they just walk away shocked and sad and speechless - as if you are ALREADY dead.

The silent, restless, uncomfortable feeling is left there.
Simultaneously liberating yet, it also feels incredibly lonely.

I feel like screaming:
Hey! Remember me?!
I'm still here! I haven't changed THAT much...
Have I?

I guess, in a way, someone DID die. The person I was to them.
The person they had these hopes for - getting happily married and having kids.
Living their version of "happily ever after"
A version that they could share with me
Now put into a different perspective.
Forced to reconsider a different future.

Now that I'm gone...

The Stranded Blogs of Brave Men

I've come here originally to keep tabs on a close childhood friend and have discovered some very interesting blogs many of which are married men (and in similiar dilemna to my friend.)

One blog caught my attention, but I had come too late, it was the blog: Coming Out at 48. (http://comingoutat48.blogspot.com/)
He had said ALREADY said his fairwell and it saddened me. So I knew, coming into this place that blogs are not permanent things...

And now, just recently my friend decided to call it quits with his blog.
And again, there were others too who are leaving and other who plan on taking a long break.

This strange synchronicity seems to be playing itself again.

Many of their blogs I'd write out elaborate long winded comments,
overstepping my bounds,
saying more than I ought,
drawing conclusions with little or no information...

"What do you know?" a Troll at Sea would inquire to me.

And I'd have to laugh because it's true. I really don't know anything!
I need to temper that I'd think to myself...perhaps just keep it short and sweet, but I rarely do still! (sigh.)

I find the exodus to be personally troubling as a lot of my reason for being here is to read them...
My outlook over the gay issue particularly regarding the married gay men is completely changed. I thank them for sharing their VERY difficult struggle.

My friend and my reads have helped me be brave because I saw their struggle to be much more difficult than mine. I can't imagine how incredibly difficult it must be to tell your wife that you are gay. I find it impossible to imagine that I could even begin the sentence itself. I know what would have happened to me, I would have become depressed and dark. Numb, bitter and heartless. It would have eaten at my soul before I'd even acknowledge the truth of it. I wouldn't give in and be brave enough to admit it to myself or tell my wife...

And yet they did.

I realized I can be brave too. My battles are small compared to theirs.
Brave enough to accept my life.
Brave enough to begin telling my friends and family.
I have much to thank them for.

I just recently saw that "Coming Out at 48" had posted again...
and it makes me hopeful.

That my friend and my reads will return in time...

A July Outing (Revisited) and Roommates

I wanted to wait and see how things have changed since my outing to my coworker friends,
so waited a couple weeks so that I may have a better perspective on it all.

I'm unsure still, yet, things HAVE changed.

My best friend from work (who's wedding I attended) greets me with a hug now everytime (even at work.) We don't normally greet each other this way so I admit the first time I wasn't expecting it. I reflected on it that it's strange I'm so willing to hug all my gay friends (and even newly-met gay friends) and yet now I feel strange to hug someone I've cared about and known for so long now. Things are much better there too, we make plans with his wife even on the weekends.

Then there's my old boss. Very unexpected that he has been really cool about it. He's not homophobic as some of us might have expected. It's almost like he likes me MORE now that he knows the truth. I felt a little anxious especially going to our next game, but it was just like before.

Then there's the coworker who is VERY religious, I sent out a mail saying it was nice to see him. No reply...I think he's either totally freaked out or just doesn't want to deal with a "heathen" but that's okay, I expected that...(plus we are more acquantances than friends.)

Over the past couple weeks, I definitely FEEL different. It's a strange feeling because it makes me painfully aware of how scared I really was. How scared I was to be found out or asked some question that might "out" me.

I was walking around worrying, scared, hiding and in retrospect I'm not so sure why I was so scared...I remember explaining to my partner that being closeted is like knowing you are Jewish in Nazi Germany.

Being outed meant physical pain, suffering and death.

I can see that there's an inexplicable amount of fear everywhere you go.
And you get numb to it over the years, you don't even realize that you ARE worried and scared.
Plus at my age the world expects me to have a wife and kid nearby, or at least a girlfriend...to NOT have some female nearby makes you seem strange or dysfunctional to them.

Yet now, I don't seem to worry about it anymore (although occasionally I must depending on who I'm talking to.) I guess the fact is that I'm worrying much less now than ever.
It seems much better to not have to worry, and I see just how much I DID worry.
I can really say, it's liberating to know that the people you care about are okay with it.

(Someone remind me WHY I was so scared to come out?)

I don't expect other's experiences to be the same as mine (with little or no drama, just acceptance so far.) I can always hope this of my dear reader's though.

For the people out there still "hiding and worrying", I say: Pick and choose your battles.
You will have to fight some battles, - you MUST fight them even if you can't win. Be brave.
Others you can choose to fight when you know you might win. Be smart, be safe.

And to the others who disapprove of my lifestyle "choice" I say:
I refuse to live a lie, so that others don't have to suffer the truth.

And a sarcastic jaded-cynical side says to the anti-"gay marriage" people:
(sarcasm)
I'm sorry that over the past SIX years, being with my partner has caused your family so much suffering and pain. I know how much it has hurt your family and understand why you choose to deny any sort of marital like rights to our relationship. I totally understand how over the past SIX years your family has had to endure the crushing blow that our relationship has played. I will do my best from now on to pretend that we are not really gay but just roommates. Really, we're just roommates...
It's ok when he goes to the emergency room with chest pains that I have to wait outside because we're not related.
It's ok that if I should die that he'll have to sell the house even if I will it to him because he'll have to pay the taxes on it.
It's ok that he can't get health benefits from my work when he loses his job.
That we have to hide in public and walk far apart from each other so others won't suspect.
Really, it's okay. We're really just roommates...now go away and be happy with your family like you were SIX years ago.
(end sarcasm)

A July 4rth Outing

I remember waking up the next day thinking: "What the hell have I done!"
I could feel the anxiety of being completely out, how everyone was going to be talking about me.
It didn't help when I instant messaged the friend whose wedding I attended
and he wrote: "it's going to spread like wildfire."

I imagined all the office talk, "Did you hear about - is gay?"
And I felt really, really uneasy about it all the whole day.
This uneasy feeling is becoming more familiar nowadays...but it's effects soon wear off.

We were running late to the party on the 4rth, about an hour late. I was so hurried I didn't have time to worry too much other than that weird feeling that the inevitable is coming...

Enroute to the party, my partner started quizing me, "So who should I expect to meet, what do they look like? How will I know who is who?"
When it hit me. I was suddenly terrified to go, I felt a big hole in my stomach like I swallowed a big jug of water... I guess I was having a mini-panic attack.

I yelled at him to stop asking me and that I was starting to freak out with all the questions he was asking. He stopped abruptly apologizing, I'm sure he was nervous too. I realized this and reassured him that we'll just have to wait and let me introduce him one by one. "I didn't know who would be there." I explained worried.

Surprisingly we were pretty early and only a handful of people had arrived so far. I proceeded like I did at the wedding to go to each person I knew and introduce "my partner." Making sure to emphasize the word explaining how we were together for almost a decade now. For most of them, it was longer than I even KNEW them.

The hostess was so cute too, she wasn't sure what I meant by "my partner" so asked me to explain. So I clarified in front of the circle of people already standing there "My GAY partner. I'm gay."

I said it so quickly I felt myself blush at the word and felt suddenly embarrassed and also amazed I even said it. I knew now it was too late now, and I kinda had to smile about it...

As they all started showing with their wives and girlfriends, I would grab my partner and say, hey come here and meet this person. He'd dutifully follow and I'd introduce him again, "this is my partner" I would start off and repeat...

And it's funny because you're really not sure if they REALLY heard what you're saying.
I could see myself wondering from some who had almost NO reaction..."did you just hear what I said?"

Although, I could see it seems to unsettle some, they go into a strange mode where they are still there, but you can see there's a slight confusion inside and an uncomfortable smile on their face full of uncertainty. Some start rambling uncontrollably. They became nervous and feel a need to start rambling about anything gay.

"I should introduce you to my friend X, he's bisexual." I would hear...for example, as if this guy is only introduced to other gay/bisexuals?

I began to worry...the change has occured for some, I'm no longer who I was before, I'm now just "gay - what's his name."

My partner is such a good sport about it all though. He has no problem letting people know he's gay for the most part although he's a pretty gruff masculine bear so no one would suspect otherwise probably.

It's a little awkward, I expected that. REALLY surprising that I was scared at all after a couple hours had passed. My old boss and another co-worker were hanging out with my partner just like anyone else. It was kinda cool to watch and feel like it didn't matter anymore.

"Why didn't you bring your partner around before?"is what I heard from one guy who I knew for almost a decade.

Bingo!

I didn't even know what to think at the time, this was a while after all my anxiety had settled down a little..."why didn't I?" I thought to myself, feeling that it was really stupid I had waited for so long now - that I hadn't been going to any of these parties or ANYTHING for 4-5 years now... Everything today seemed to really be going well right now.
Everything felt ok. No one seemed to really care too much about it too much.

But it was an easy answer, really, and I remembered right away.

"I was scared." I blurted out. I remember looking away because it was a little too honest and embarrassing to admit since I'm usually pretty stoic and brave.

Strangely, I could see at first he wasn't sure what I would be scared about, but then thought about it and he seemed to understand...like a little light turned on inside, "Oh. Everything is starting to make sense now."

The next day I'd hear the same question in IM. "Why did you wait?" and I'd respond the same answer, "I was scared." writing further:
"I was scared that I'd stop becoming who I was...being gay doesn't define me completely, it's only a small part of my identity. Nothing's changed really..."

And fortunately nothing much HAS changed from what I can see. Soon we were talking just like before...about work, sports, politics - the same old-same old...

And it feels pretty good. I heard this statement and I feel it more each day.

If they have a problem with me being gay, it's not really MY problem...it's THEIR problem.
I don't have a problem.

Coming out in public places

Some interesting things happened and are coming...

A couple weeks ago a good friend from work got married. (We had been pretty close friends I've known him and his family for maybe 8 years now, and I had come out to him last year.) Thus the dilemna:

Do I go and if so, do I bring my partner?

This has always been a problem for me. Normally a very social partier type of guy, I am very talkative and joke a lot about the office, I befriend everyone in my workplace (even people who are not well liked.) I've befriended many of friends wives and girlfriends too. I like going out to the bar after a game for a drink...

BUT I've found myself NOT going to many public events over the past years, mostly because many of my (straight) friends, are now older are all married or have fiances or serious girlfriends.

The list of functions I've stopped attending over the past 6 years include:

1) parties or get togethers of my friends and coworkers (bbq parties, 4rth of July, movie nights, birthday parties, or weekend nights out drinking or dancing.)

2) work sponsored functions (group parties for major milestones, company picnics, Christmas holiday parties etc.)

3) minor religious events where it would be nice if you could attend (baptisms, confirmations etc.)

4) major religious events where your attendance is welcomed or expected (weddings, funerals etc.)

5) the list goes on and on.

And you know what? IT REALLY SUCKS...

I suspect people just think I'm being anti-social when I never show up OR that I just don't like them at all. I think some are confused because I always USED to hang out with them...I'm surprised coworkers still invite me after many years of never being there.

It's like I live a secret double life. People ask, "why can't you come (anymore)?"
I don't know what to say, I just make something up about having another commitment...
AND that gets old. They stop believing the excuses and don't bother inviting you anymore.

So, at this wedding, I decided...no more.

I would just go and bring my partner. I know some coworkers would be there, I also knew there would be people who definitely would be surprised and not approve of my "lifestyle", especially the groom's parents and some of his aunts and uncles who I've come to know for many years now. There would be others who I played sports with who also would not take it very kindly.
I know that who I was would forever change that day. (see my previous posts about becoming a "clown" to them.)

So the day came...I was terrified and anxious. (The bride knew about us too and didn't mind.)
I decided that we would dress exactly alike (and unique enough no one could be dressed the same way), even our belts matched. If people wanted to know if we were "together" our clothing would give it away. As soon as I got there I got the unpleasantries out- right away. I walked up to the people who I thought would be the most offended and introduced "my partner" to them. I didn't hesitate.

And I'm glad I did. A huge weight was lifted off my chest immediately but I couldn't help think how awkward I felt since I was sure there were people talking about the "2 gay guys" (we were the only gay couple there. I busted my friend and his wife the weekend before asking, "what? are we going to be the TOKEN gay guys at the wedding?" upon hearing that no other gay people would be there...)

The reactions are mixed, some people you think might have a problem, don't. Others who you think might not, really do. One guy acted very strange which kind of hurts to see. He seemed embarrassed to even know me and avoidant. I guess I should have expected that. Those things are heartbreaking. It was also a very lonely day for my partner. No one was making a point to go introduce themselves. I guess if I had brought a girlfriend, I'm certain that would have been different.

We spent most of the evening by ourselves really...

I guess it's not that bad considering I wouldn't have gone at all (so we'd be by ourselves anyways.) Nor was it completely unexpected since we were the only gay couple there. The groom was really glad I went, he's a great guy and he'd do the same for me in the same situation. I'm glad I went too. I took a step.

Now more steps are coming...

There are "the rest" who I need to come out to too. My other co-worker friends who are so generous to keep inviting me after all these years (perhaps 5-6 years now of no-showing and they still invite me!) They are all having a big 4rth party...and I'm going this time.

With my partner.

I figure, they all suspect something by now anyways...it's just too long of not seeing my "girlfriend" plus, like one of my friend's girlfriend's suspected, "I don't seem like the type who would NOT be dating anyone." (I'm guessing because she thought I was good looking and also a great personality?) I get that alot though, - women friends trying to "hook me up" with their female friends...totally awkward situation. If you say no, they don't know why since they never see your girlfriend or talk about one...but I digress.

Anyways, if that goes well, I'm going to take it ANOTHER step further in couple of weeks, to people I don't know very well.

Well, people who I've been playing on a sports team with for over a couple years or so. These bunch of guys I play sports with, well, one is having a birthday party at a big fancy restaurant where he works...almost everyone will be there. This will be the toughest because the sport is very NOT homo-friendly. Everyone is tough, manly and "hetero" (There are no gay teams playing this sport in my city strangly.) They seem to like me, so I do NOT expect they'll be complete jerks about it, although I suspect a much higher negative response...(the season is almost over anyways.)

And if they dont' like it, oh well, I'll just stop playing and/or join another team. I know other teams would pick me up...I do like playing though so not playing would suck big time.

That challenge will be in a couple weeks.

In retrospect, I've never been someone who took the easy way out. I always challenged myself to do the MOST difficult thing, the most painful, the most embarrassing, the most trying.
I always liked the path "not taken" or the path "least liked" or "least recognized" yet usually still important. My partner was the first to point that out. He said I never take the easy way.
He's right and I'm not exactly sure why. Maybe, I'm just a glutton for punishment...or because I have no sense or fear or both...

Someone's got to do it...so it might as well be me.

Anyways, wish me luck! And Happy 4th.

Pride

(Posting the same picture so many of you have done.)
So, it's Pride weekend here.
I remember thinking that Pride must have been some acronym for something a long time ago.
It wasn't until I came out to myself that I realized the deeper meaning.

Pride is the opposite of shame.

There is a big cloud of shame we gay people are made to feel.
From what we hear from the outside world.
From what we hear from people we don't even know!
Even from people who should love us for who we are.
People who should care for us and help us through the struggle.
And it's sadly sometimes what we tell ourselves.

We'll hide it, deny it, lie to ourselves about it,
Secretly feeling ashamed of who we are.

And that's the point.

Pride is the start of self acceptance.
The symbolic end of the self loathing, the hate, the fear...

Stand together my dear friends in the struggle.
Don't be ashamed, not today...
this is who we are.
Happy Pride.

Father's Day

Fathers.
Seems that everyone's experience is so varied compared to mother's.
Some are very distant to their kids (or emotionally distant.)
While others are very close.

It's almost hard for me to imagine that my father love's me (when compared to my mother.)
I know he does, but it always feels like it's out of obligation maybe?
I do love him for being there for me and doing the best he could.
We do have a pretty good relationship.

I imagine it's not easy being a father.
There's a lot of (often conflicting) expectations out there,
And a lot of father's would blame themselves for being less than perfect.
There were many times from what he'd say, that I can tell my Father wished he could have done better, somehow ( even knowing there was nothing that he could have done given the circumstances.)

To all the fathers out there, and to some of my reads who are fathers too,
It's okay to not be perfect, we still love you.
Happy Father's Day!

The Snow disappears in Spring

I noticed a blog missing.
First such a long silence...
Then just deleted.
No good-bye's.
Vanished, gone.

I guess, his blog no longer serving
the purpose it once did for him.
As it began to wind down,
the relationship waning.

I liked the blog though,
it was a good example

So honest in it's emotion,
feeling weak and helpless
exhilarated and passionate
embarrassed and lonely

If you asked me what love feels like
in and out
I would have pointed you there, perhaps.

I realized, these blogs are a lot like real life
and it's scary and sad
people you've come to know
just disappear without a word.

I'll miss knowing what became of him.
I'm sure to miss all of my reads when
it comes time for them to leave too.

I also realize that deleting his blog,
deleted a part of me with it.

It feels like burning an album of old photo's
gone forever
impossible to recover...

So for the rest of you,
If you're think of deleting your blog,
can you let me know?
'Cause maybe I want to take a couple photo's for myself
to remember you by.

Gay Questions: #5 Isn't Gay a Sin?

Gay questions: #5 Isn't Gay a Sin?
This is probably the toughest question any religious person can ask themselves if they believe they are gay.

The answer is simple, the effects are life changing, so here's my take.

For me, I was brought up Roman Catholic. I was VERY religious for many years even considered the seminary, and know someone I knew well in high school who has become a priest. My whole circle of friends and families were very involved with the church. Not too many people can say that drinking on the weekends in high school at a friends house sometimes meant a priest might be around to remind you that "over indulging can be considered a sin."

In the Roman Catholic church, there are (strangely) different type's of sin. Venial and Mortal.
Venial sins can be any sin that you may have done unintentionally or accidentally. Say you accidentally kill someone. Grave, but since it was an accident, it's venial. Or in the heat of passion you have pre-marital sex. Sure there was lust, but it was "accidental" in that you didn't plan it per se. Venial sins are very common, we do them everyday mostly without the real intent of harming anyone or sinning explicitly.

Mortal sin is different. These sins are very bad because you KNOW it's wrong and you act on it anyways. In a way you can think of it as knowingly and intentionally sinning even if you know it's a sin.

The difference between mortal and venial sin, in a lot of cases, is really just splitting hairs really...and could be debated endlessly. You can pretty much tell which is venial or mortal at least to yourself, most will opt for mortal anyways.

As you can guess, the result of these sins are different. Mortal sins will cause you to go to hell. You are supposed to ask for forgiveness via the "rite of confession." Many have seen this on TV I'm sure. It's not always done that way but you get the gist. It's a pretty powerful feeling when someone tells you that you are forgiven. The feeling is overwhelming in fact, it'll make the most stoic person cry. I know for some, it seems kinda hokey, but I can testify that it does ease the burden of guilt psychologically enough to keep you from obsessing over it...kinda.

I'm guessing that's the whole intent as we ARE reminded that "once you feel like you want to be forgiven, you already are." basically that the confession is really for you because God already forgave you anyways. This doesn't change the fact that you feel obligated to confess of course, especially for Mortal sins.

So, for gay people, you can see a dilemna.

Gay is sin.

That's how the Church has defined it, and many religions of the world say.
And having been Christian for so long, that's how I think about it too.
It's almost an inescapable fact that, having been SOO religious before,
that I can't help but believe it is.

I can try and learn all I can about
how gay is the way God made me,
how gay is genetic,
how gay is even a mental illness

but it will NEVER get rid of the guilt for me. There is no "rite of confession" that I can seek!
What priest is going to tell me that I'm forgiven?

Thus I stood in the crossroads for a long time, praying...
praying for forgiveness,
praying for God to help me,
to change me,
to save me.

And so I stepped "knowing" I didn't need to choose gay.
I would find meaning by helping the others around me instead.
My life was FOR them now, and not for me. My suffering was ok, I was choosing not to sin.
I would continue to focus on NOT me but the others. Watching them find love and perhaps get married and have kids too. And I was happy for them, yet I couldn't help feel that

my life was a frozen still-shot image, as the movie of the world played by

and "it" wouldn't go away.
I became depressed, withdrawn, and yes, suicidal.
Life became gray and meaningless to me,
so finally around 30 I stepped again.

Beyond myself,
my beliefs,
my Church,
my God.

I chose to turn my back in MORTAL sin,
and have not returned. Why?

Because I realized (too late perhaps)
I only have this ONE life
and I know God wants me to be happy
(not sad like I have been for so long)
and more importantly,
just like everyone else who's gay comes to realize:

I KNOW it's a lie.

Oral Lessons [warning adults only!]

Oral Lessons [warning adults only!]

Oral Sex (male): otherwise known as a blowjob (bj), or "giving head" or it's more technical term: fellatio.
(Notes: This is my first draft. I think others might help provide any good info so feel free to write me. I was also reluctant to post this because it's pretty graphic in a way and was struggling if this was appropriate to be posting in a blog...well, I figured it would benefit the curious more than "saving face" for me so trying to be true to this unabashed blog...)

I don't claim to be an expert, nor have I read any books on it, others might chime in for pointers. The only classes are the one's I have personally done myself, or watched others do to me.
This will probably sound pretty dry and medical. I am talking about a single technique NOT anything emotional. AND I'm sure there are many ways to perform this feat, but I'm going to talk about one way that's pretty easy to do for beginners to succeed on the first try.

The technique I'm going to describe is more of a cheating technique, but is less likely to fail I think. What I mean by "cheating" is that it's a combination of a blowjob and a handjob. Since your hand is assisting, there is less requirement to coordinating your breathing and this technique allows you to take "breaks."

So on with the details:
Physically speaking, there are some anatomical things to keep in mind in my descriptions.
You obviously have the penis. It has a shaft and a head called the glans and possibly a foreskin (although I've never negotiated any guy who was uncircumsized. I imagine it could be different but perhaps not by much.)
There are also the testicles suspended by the scrotum (the sacklike skin structures that support the testicles.)

For orientation, there are landmarks to keep in mind.
Up means towards the glans, down means towards the base of the penis.
Top means the side towards the person's head, bottom means towards the person's feet.

The shaft is made up of 3 muscular tubes, there is the one that runs on the underside called the corpus spongiosum, which I'll refer to as the "underside."

The penis head parts:
glans: the obvious mushroom part making up the head
meatus: the opening, where the urine or cum exits
frenulum: small place below the opening where the head meets the shaft below the meatus.
sulcus: the outer valley around the head where it meets the shaft.

Nerves: The thing about nerves is they come in different types. Of the different types, 2 to keep in mind. Touch and pressure. Some respond to touch (like the feeling of drawing something lightly across the back of your hand), others to pressure (like the feeling of being squeezed.) You need to keep this in mind depending on what stage you're working on.
The other strange thing about nerves is they become overstimulated. what I mean is if you excite them too much, you reach a threshold where they no longer respond, so you need to be aware of this too.

Positioning and prep:
First to remember, it takes work! You will probably build up a sweat even if you're doing it right, I usually do. It's like working out, you need to be ready and get into a comfortable position from the start. The work is about building up through the stages towards orgasm and breaking the rhythm (because you need to reposition yourself) can undo all the work up to that point... and set you back a stage or two, requiring you to do MORE work.

You will also tire. More so if he is standing and you are on your knees. If you're kneeling, make sure the place you kneel on is comfortable. I recommend taking one knee and when it tires, to switching to the other.

More comfortable is him lying or sitting, and you laying next to and leaning over. This might be what you might think of if sitting in the front seat of a car. I prefer the easier position where we are in bed and he lies flat on his back, and you sit up, take your near arm and reach over his stomach so you now leaning on his stomach and facing towards his feet.

Get comfortable enough where you know you can do work for about 10-20 minutes. You need to be ready to do this psychologically too and it can even get boring, around perhaps halfway into it you might even not be aroused anymore. It's definitely NOT boring for him, so focus on the stages and look for clues that I'll describe that you've gone to the next stage or if your work is going nowhere and you need to shift plans or help it along by doing something else too.

Prep: wash out your mouth, wash your hands especially the "working" hand because this is the hand that will be working with your mouth and if it's dirty, you'll be tasting it later. The non-working hand will be working the balls, legs etc. so you want to keep them apart perhaps when you get started. Towels and tissues should be available for catching and cleaning so get them close by before you start.

Stage one: erection stage, foreplay and lubing.
Time: unexposed groping (unlimited), exposed and lubing: <1 min
90% of the time, the dick will already be fully erect by the time you go there, if it's not, just proceed as you'd expect, a good thing is to kiss down the body and gently stroking/groping with your hand. The penis that has not been stimulated yet is really sensitive so it won't take much most likely or take very long. Before exposing the penis, you can play with it through the clothing. Pressure is what you're focusing on, since touch is somewhat restricted by the clothing through gentle squeezing of the shaft and the head. Be weary of that you are squeezing the dick and not the balls which can be painful depending on how you do it. You can scratch through the underwear along the head too.

Once exposed, the penis is all about the touch nerves, so this should be the focus. Fully erect it is very sensitive right now, so all the stimulation needed at this point is light and gentle. With 2 goals. Gently stimulation and lubrication by building up your saliva and coating all the surfaces.
First lick the lips so they are wet then focus this stage on the glans surface, and running your closed lips and tongue along the sulcus. When going to the shaft, focus on the underside of the shaft, depending on the position, run your fingers up and down the shaft or lips. Flicking your tongue along the frenelum will feel good. This location is very sensitive.

Your other goal is to lubricate so you will want to gently and lightly put it into your mouth by take the full penis (or just half) into your mouth for a big "one over" to get it wet. It's more like you are wetting the penis than trying to stroke it with your mouth, it's quick and avoiding of overstimulation. Having the penis in your mouth will also cause you to salivate too. You want this because this is your "lube" so to create more, just keep putting his dick in your mouth, licking the head gently etc. to cause the saliva glands to trigger.

By creating more saliva you are also trying to create more lube and wet coat your "working hand." When you feel you have a lot of spit available, put as much saliva as you can on your palm and palmside fingers and thumb side facing the fingers if you were to create an "O" like tunnel. All the surfaces you would coat to masturbate/jerk him off. This is the same hand you jerk off with if you are a guy, or use your dominant hand. (The other hand is probably not doing much at this moment but will be.)

Playfully tease and caress surfaces without any real penetrating pressure against the penis. When taking it into your mouth, make your mouth very loose just to get it wet but with little pressure saving that for the next stage.

Stage 2: Penetration and early stroking
Time: 2-5 minutes
This is the stage that requires the work so get ready. You are going to be jerking him off now with your mouth assisting in keeping things wet as well as using your mouth to work mostly the head.
With your working hand fully loaded with spit and his dick fully wet, you are now ready. Grasp his penis and/or form a small tunnel with your hand approximatel the girth of the penis but perhaps slightly smaller and stroke downward, gliding your hand across the angular surface of the glans, slowly and gently and a little more firmly but not too firm. The whole focus is still on touch here, gently rubbing the entire surface in a stroking motioning. This is where you'll notice he's extremely stimulated especially on this first stroke because as up until now his penis was being tickled and teased but now it's "penetrating." Do this one or two times and now line up your mouth against the thumb and forefinger at the "end of the tunnel" lips gently closed.

As you stroke, the penis will touch the lips closed, slowly open your mouth and work over the glans surface, letting the head and some shaft enter your mouth, your goal is again to gently rub the glans with your lips and tongue AND to produce spit to keep the operation going and properly lubed for your hand. Recoating as needed. NOTE: be careful of your teeth and any sudden jerks of your partner. He may involuntarily PUSH his dick into your mouth so be ready for it and open your mouth to get your teeth out of the way quickly. The stroke consists of your hand and mouth creating a complete tunnel, with your mouth at the far end. Keep stroking in and out, being conscious of lubing as you go.

About 2-3 minutes into doing this, you will need to start building up a rhythm and focus on other things too watching for feedback and pacing yourself leading to the next stage. This is where I realized I didn't know what to do because I thought it was enough up until now.

Stage 3: Rhythmic stroking (workout)
time: 3-5 minutes
This is the stage where you are slowing transitioning from light stimulation to stimulation and pressure while building up a rhythm. This is the stage you need to focus and try not to break or miss a stroke. You're doing the same as before but you are now gradually building up the pressure of your hand and the constant timing of the strokes. You build up "pressure" by squeezing harder (about the firmness of a medium handshake.) Start using your palm, pressing it more firmly against the angle of the glans as you stroke.

For the most part, the pace is around 1 stroke per second. One complete stroke of your hand running along the glans surface and down along the shaft, and with the glans part entering your mouth and running along your lips and tongue.

This can get pretty boring, now, because now you are waiting for a cue that the next stage is coming, which can be a couple minutes. You are slowing and gradually also building up pressure because the touch nerves are slowing going numb by now. Very slightly increase the pressure after 10-20 strokes. This is time to pay attention to the other clues like the muscle tension in the legs and his testicles. If everything is going right, it'll be obvious, he'll might be moving around a lot because it feels good, so keep doing what you're doing remembering to build up pressure slightly as you go.

After a while, perhaps another couple of minutes, the touch nerves will get numb, you will notice perhaps a "relaxing" of his legs and stomach, with maybe no motion like it was before. The testicles which were a little firm before, begin to sag more with the scotum around them relaxing. He may take a deeper breath, when up until now he's almost been "holding" his breath.
The more relaxed he gets as time passes (could be a couple seconds), the worse the situation is getting because what you're doing now, he's not feeling anymore, so you can do a couple things. Take a break now, and redo this stage (it should be shorter next time and much more pleasurable) or work harder to try to get to the next stage now.

Breaks: as soon as you notice this "relax", you can take a small break. The goal is to allow the "touch" nerves to recharge since they have been overstimulated and to stimulate in a different way to keep the erection and pleasure going. So stop and change the stroking by focusing on NOT touching the glans at all. Use your lips and or finger tips of the working hand, and continue the stroking but only along the underside of the shaft. Firmly rub up and down the underside surface only. Also you can flick and gently tickle the frenulum again but avoid contact with the glans. This is also a perfect time to caress the testicles by gently running your fingertips of the other hand along the skin lightly as you do this. You can also just stroke the shaft itself too.
One other thing you can do is with the non-working hand, gently stroke the inner thigh in a motion towards the testicles. This tickling pleasure causes the scrotum to contract involuntarily.
He will find all of this to be enjoyable too so won't stop you most likely, if he tries, tell him to wait a second because you're not done.

This whole time, DO NOT touch the glans surface so the nerves can recharge. Lube up your hand again (again without touching the head) form your "tunnel" and start the stage again as you were before you left off. You will most likely notice a very strong positive reaction and perhaps a moan, this time because the stimulation is really strong feeling now and go right back into the rhythm you had before.

I usually notice it only takes one or two breaks before they head right to the next stage.
Also, to help along to the next stage, at this time, your OTHER hand is now gently running along the testicles as you stroke too. One way is along the surface and/or along the sides in a (extremely) gently stroking motion towards his feet. You are merely running your fingers along the scrotum not pulling on them, but more like caressing the surface. You will get a noticeable reaction of pleasure when you do this too, and might cause him to go right into the next stage.

Stage 4: Tension then release
time: 1-2 minutes
This stage is the stage you've been waiting for. If you made it to this stage, he is probably going to cum. The clues are these: You'll notice the muscles in his legs because very tense and stay that way or he'll start "pumping" and squirming a lot. You'll also notice his testicles are becoming very firm like a soft plum and pulled in tightly against the bottom of his penis. Some men completely disappear. They are not sagging and his body tension is not relaxing.
At this time, make your strokes more deliberate and a little firmer. Start focusing a lot on stimulating and applying pressure against the glans now. You might slow down each stroke just a little bit to emphasis each one more but keep it very even and rhythmic. The rhythim is much more important now than ever. You might also notice his hips thrusting in sync with your stroking, if you notice this, keep doing what you're doing at the pace your on because it's feeling really good now. Continue stroking and caressing his testicles with your other hand.

You know he's going to cum because there will be a clue one stroke right before it happens, his scrotum will become extremely stiff, he will also possibly take a sighing breath or moan and a slight quick jerking relax then tense in his leg muscles. When you spot this, the next one or two down strokes will be the one he comes on.

Just before he comes, continue the stroking, once he shoot, make a smaller stroke up and one more down (a second shot will come out) and now stop your hand around the edge of the sulcus (stop stroking!) and start shaking your hand a little in small jerking motions avoiding to stroke the glans now. Also as he comes, stop stimulating the testicles immediately.

After one or two spurts, the glans is extremely sensitive (and everything else too like the testicles) and more stroking can actually feel more like pain as he's coming so you need to stop the stroking and touching the testicles when he starts to come. You'll notice guys stop stroking if you watch cum shots of themselves jerking off, their hand freezes and shakes near the edge of the glans even though they are still coming, you want to do the same kind of thing and not over do it. Once he's done, no more tickling or caressing of the glans or the testicles etc.

Hopefully, you had a towel nearby to help cleanup. Remember, everything is now super sensitive, but mission accomplished.

Other techniques include "deep throat" which can be pretty hard to do especially if he is large (girth or length) and you have a gag reflex. The trick with this is to pace your breathing and taking a breath and holding it between each stroke, you need to be more careful here too with your teeth too. This kind of action mostly done in stage 2 or stage 3 because most can't generate enough pressure with the inside of your mouth alone very well to successfully get through stage 4. I don't recommend trying it at first because it can make you puke which will definitely spoil the mood!

Anyways, that's it. So good luck be safe, and remember practice makes perfect.
:)

A prelude, to Oral Lessons [warning adults only!]

A prelude, to Oral Lessons [warning adults only!]
[warning: adult content, intended for 21 or older!]

I've mentioned talking about this because, well, it needs to be said, plus I mentioned in Drew's blog that I might talk about it...it's a good excuse at least! In a way, I think it's important because I hope the first experience for some of the "new guys" is better than mine. And as before, I will start off with a prelude, a story of the "first time." and follow it up with the actual lesson itself in the next blog post.

We were definitely close and good friends then. Our work required us to spend a lot of time together, more time than we would with our girlfriends/wives even, and when you spend so much of your time with some guys, well, you get to know them pretty well. You get to trust each other and share your feelings. You eat all your meals together, shower in the same open rooms, not much to hide. You get very close.

Add in attraction. The fact that you are mutually attracted and continual flirting eventually starts. For some reason for us "straight" guys it can be about making gay jokes towards each other...and both of you finding it to be really funny. You start picking on each other which also seems to lead to wrestling... We'd do that ALOT (not necessarily with others around.) You wrestle long enough and it's almost orgasmic, the exhaustion that sets in leaves both of you breathless, almost like the release of an orgasm...it's funny.

Add in alcohol. The job was stressful, so of course, we'd drink alot too. It wasn't unusual to express our familiar "love" for each other, yet it was very easy for him to express his love for me, though we all knew he was married. He declared once, among the others, while we were drinking, very boldly telling me he was going to miss me and that he loved me. I was VERY embarrassed and joked sarcastically with full inuendo, saying, "oh ya, prove it." He returned, "what do you want me to do?" I was dumbfounded while the others looked on. We were all close, so declaring love wasn't so strange, but this "went there."

Later that night, I drove him home. I was to sleep over on the couch and he drunk as he was laid down on the floor next to the couch instead of going to his room. Soon after we found ourselves gazing deeply into each others eyes. He smiled and took my hand in his and brought it to his lips, laying a kiss on it. I withdrew my hand out of embarrassment and shock, but never broke my gaze. He then moved his foot over to mine and started rubbing it against mine (we had no shoes or socks on because, um, I was supposed to be sleeping?!) I withdrew, I was not that drunk and showed restraint... it was clear how he felt now and I was feeling a little uneasy and confused at the moment, not sure why I was "looking" at him and liking it so much. I kept preventing him from doing whatever and eventually he-we fell asleep none for the worse. The next couple days were awkward but soon forgotten...kinda.

Add in separation and time. Not long after, we had been separated across the country, our goodbyes before the separation was tearful, a strong feeling that our attraction, our love, that longing had not been fully realized. I was on the east coast and he in Alaska. He was having some marriage problems so flew back to the east coast. I went to visit him and we went out...well, drinking.

We hadn't really had a serious talk up yet. As usual, most of the conversation up until then was "filler talk." The conversation that is more about catching up on facts than discussing any feelings. You both know you're going to talk eventually...it's only a matter of when and waiting for the right mood.

After closing out the bar of drinking and dancing with a few of the women there, we headed "home" alone with only each other...with the feeling that this was planned anyways. We staggered back from the car to the house, leaning against each other, arm around each others shoulder. It felt good to be so close again and knowing the starting of the "conversation" was to start; where we would start talking about our feelings and confess how much we missed each other. Which we did, with a head on the shoulder, full body hugging and more kind words...but not much more than that.

Because of the layout of the place we were staying that night, one of us had the couch and the other had the floor. I got to the couch, got half naked to my underwear, as usual, and so did he, (not like I was watching, it wasn't new seeing each other half-naked or fully naked before because of the "work" I had described earlier.) A little too drunk to talk too much, I laid out on the couch and got ready to sleep and said good night. He turned off the light and got on the floor not too far from the couch and did the same.

Suddenly I realized, this wasn't where I wanted to be...and, as beer has does for me by giving me copious amounts of courage, I acted on it.

I got up from the couch and kneeled down and laid down to him. In the darkess, he reached up. His welcoming arms outstretched. I laid on top as we embraced, resting my face in his neck. We never hugged like this before, half naked, skin to skin. We both knew we had crossed the line now - we had "gone there." I guess, this hug was not SO unlike the many of times we hugged before. I didn't know what I wanted to do next, everything felt so good now, so I was perfectly content, but it was going to get better.

Funny how good everything feels with alcohol. He felt really REALLY good, his skin was soft, I could feel his lightly hairy body against mine, big and strong, so warm and comforting. With all this emotional build-up, after all this time flirting and abstaining, it all became soon unlocked. Unlocked with a kiss.

In one motion, he dropped his jaw and turned his head taking my face out off his shoulder and bringing my lips to his. We kissed for the first time. He then, opened his mouth slowly and touched my tongue with his. This simple action was explosive.

The next couple of minutes was like a hurricaine. You feel like you've completely lost your sense of direction, gravity loses grip, up is down, everything starts spinning.

My hands ran up and down his body, caressing and squeezing. Feeling his strong legs and nice muscular ass. Running my hands across his shoulders and arms, behind his neck and back, across his chest. Feeling and touching everything except "there."

But then a brief pause in the storm arrived, and I was going to go there. I started kissing lower, down his neck, then to his chest and stomach, pulling the underwear off as I went down.

I could see it in the darkess silouetted along the far windows lit by the streetlights. His big cock pointing straight in the air in my hand. It was longer than average and had girth. It was picture perfect.

I ran my lips up the shaft and took the head gently into my mouth, licking and sucking, up and down inside my mouth. His hips shifting, and he seemed to enjoy it, giving out slight moans.
But...after a couple minutes of this, it was clear something wasn't quite right. He wasn't going to cum! Why?

I didn't know what I was doing!

He was kind, though, he stopped me after a couple of minutes and moved me, so we could start hugging again, we started spooning now and nothing more happened because the hurricaine had completely died down to less than a breeze.
And I wasn't sure what I felt. I felt embarrassed, I felt humiliated. It all felt like a big mistake all of a sudden. Mixed with the sombering feeling of, "what the hell were we doing!"

For some reason, I'm certain, if I HAD known what I was doing, it would have made a BIG difference. Just like it did many years later for the others. The hurricaine would have collapsed into one big crescendo of estatic bliss instead of the uneasy awkward feeling of a failed sexual encounter. Worsened by the fact that there was so much potential since we were emotionally there too.

I've since learned "what to do", or at least what works for me. I've never had a "failed" encounter after I've learned. It definitely helps to watch someone who is good, perform on you many times, watching, and learning, seeing how, what, when. And also, having someone coach you too, asking you to do what-not for them where after a while they don't have to ask.

Now, my partner is happy everytime, he LOVES it, and I'm glad to be good at it for him of course. I love him!

The goal, I guess, for "the lesson" in my next post, is to help my interested readers with their first male oral encounter. And perhaps succeed in orchestrating a "big crescendo of estatic bliss" that I hoped to strive for...but didn't. Which I'm sure could be of interest to some straight women out there too. Stay tuned!

A Mother's Love

I know my last post was little angry sounding, dark and pessimistic...
But then, it's not easy living a gay life.
Especially when you are so aware that people would actually really like who you were.
If they could look past the gay.

I always found the stories of people who were 'discovered'
many times to be so painful and sad.
And to hear how they were rejected by the one's they loved,
or who should love them the most.

Many gay people find that there's almost always that one person
who will never stop loving them no matter what.
She comes by so many different names,

Ma, Mom, Mother...

My mother died before I could ever tell her, and even though I had been with my partner
for maybe a year. I always hoped they'd at least meet. But it happened so suddenly, she was only in her fifties.

I never doubted she loved me though...
Or doubted that she would love me for who I am today.

Those were the last words I heard from her lips.

For all of you out there, remember let your mother's know you love her -
today on Mother's day and everytime you see them.
They won't be here forever, and it'll hit you pretty hard because
that may be the only person you know, without a doubt
loves you unconditionally.

So, to all the mothers of my readers and the mother's of their children,
and every would-be mother, adoptive mother, and step-mother too.

Happy Mother's Day!
We love you.

Gay = Happy?

(I haven't posted anything cynical or jaded yet, so ...)

Gay.

What a crazy word. I hate it really.

I used it growing up in my childhood before I even know what it meant.
I used it to describe something completely and utterly stupid.
"That's gay!" I shout.
AND I still find myself uttering it and I know it's not right.
So, why does the gay community think this word is the right word to describe itself?

I thought gay meant "happy."

Why in the hell would I be declaring myself as "happy?!"
I'm not happy! I'm bitter, jaded...
angry about it all, and all the stupid portrayals, or what people think they are supposed to be
or what we are NOT supposed to be.

How about "cursed" or "tragic" or "depressed" (or "oppressed")?

But that's how I see it looking inward. Looking outward, from what I see, gay people are a joke.

We're a fucking joke.

A large portion of humor that's acceptable today has some gay slant to it but it's not positive.
Just watch out for it:

Guys kissing (accidentally)... "Haha! Chuckle, oops!"
Effeminate guys... "He's comic relief! We love that!"
Gay guys dressed up like women..."Hilarious! The irony and so true!"

but try and make a non-humor gay statement:
Married straight acting cowboys having gay sex and falling in love...
"Whoa! hold on one minute! That's not funny!"

Idiots.

Whenever I think about outing myself,
I feel that I might as well bring along a clown nose and clown feet.
Because to some, my identity will disappear.
I'm no longer a person,
or anyone I was before.
Now, to them, I'm just "gay"- whatever my name is.
here for entertainment.

I'm a fucking clown.

Gay Questions: #4 What's a Bear?

I figured I give this some description since I've mentioned it a couple times already and perhaps some of you don't know what it is. As a side note, the irony is that although I call myself "bear" I am not a bear but a bear admirer/trapper (more on what that means later.) My nickname came from my teen years and the irony makes me laugh. Onto the question:

What's a Bear?
In the gay community, there exists a sub-group of gay men called the Bears.

Just as the name implies, these guys are big, burly, heavyset, husky gay men. They actually vary somewhat is many sizes and shapes and even attitudes. (Not all are big or husky, some are muscular or smaller etc. ) The look is VERY masculine, many sporting facial hair from full beards to goatees. The look also has a blue-collar look and feel about it, so you may see them wearing flannel, construction uniforms, firemen outfits, police uniforms, athletic looks from baseball or football. There is a strong overlap between bears and leather too.

Bears even have their own gay pride flag: Instead of the rainbow flag, it's black, brown, white and tan striped with the black bearpaw.

Some bear terms:
"Woof": that's was a bear or a bear admirer say when they see a guy they like.
"Cub": just as a bear cub is a smaller bear, these guys are smaller bears, may not be very bear-ish at all.
"Wolf": usually ripped and lean hairy guy.
"Trapper": this is what I am, someone who is attracted and wants bears, but doesn't look like a bear.
"Admirer": someone who likes and admires bears or the bear look

There are a couple prototypical bears, the most popular is a porn star named: Jack Radcliffe
For a better general description, go here. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bear_community

To give due credit, the image above is probably the hottest bear alive in my opinion (next to my partner ;o) - who could maybe be his twin or brother!) This handsome mug belongs to Jeff a.k.a "stpbear." here is his site: http://www.bearclaws.net/stpbear/page2.html.

Gay questions: #3 Gaydar: Is it real?

Gaydar: a proclaimed special ability an individual (straight or gay) has in identifying if someone is gay or not. I'd say some have it, others can acquire it (especially if you are gay yourself) and it's not always accurate so can be wrong. Funny thing is some people are really good, while others assume they have it because they know someone who is gay (as if all gay people acted alike.)

I say, it's probably really about noticing cue's regarding attraction, some subtle and others not so subtle. Also, some, none, or all of these cue's may be present. Keep that in mind, we're talking about guys who just happen to love other guys and most guys act and look just like any other "straight" guy. (Although, I might be saying that only because I tend to hang out with the straight-acting crowds.)

Some obvious clues even an amateur can pick up apply to the effeminate stereotype. (Which I hate but I have to admit, it exists. Not every gay guy acts like this, actually)
1) A walk with a slight "swish" (their butt moves back and forth like a "lady.")
2) Certain hand are movements are made when they talk.
3) Clothing. yes, some gay guys do dress differently or appear a little too well groomed. With the appearance of metrosexual look has made it a little more confusing on both fronts I think. LOL. The grooming that gives it away, tends to center on the face I've noticed, like eyebrows or the way a beard is cut and neatly trimmed.

The (not so obvious?) cues:
1) Eye contact: to the one's involved, this could be the dead give away. Gay guys, especially if they are interested in you will "look" at you. It's a telling look. It's not necessarily out of interest though. This isn't a hard rule, some straight guys will look too, but for the most part, this is a longer than normal eye contact kind of look.
2) Gay people have some (culturally?) different verbal expressions on some words, but this might be acquired though. I'm NOT talking about a lisp! It's an inflection of their words that is more emphatic than others. The word "please" will come out "pull-eeze."
3) Scanning: gay guys like looking at guys, they may "lock in" on certain guys especially the type they like, as they pass by. Don't be fooled though, what they consider good looking is not necessarily the stereotypical gay model hot young stud. (I like big bearish burly guys with a gut for example.) Generally, it is not very different from any other straight guy checking out some women. There may be other "scans" up and down a body that they can't control either or a "double take" when a guy looks again at someone in the area or who has just walked past, especially if it's looking behind themselves.

The other clues are obvious (to me), these clues will appear when there is an actual interest in a specific individual. It's the same clues you'll see with anyone who's in love or has a crush.
1) Talks at length or thinks often about a certain person.
2) Will want to spend time with that person or will seem to go out of their way to see them and will have no real reason or seem awkwardly unable to explain why they are doing something that seems out of the ordinary for or with the person.
3) Blushing or flirting behavior.
4) Body contact, whether it be a shoulder bump or laying of a hand. My experience is that guys usually avoid touching each other in any way. A few exceptions occur when first meeting or parting or between old/close friends or siblings. Even then in those cases, it is usually short in duration and abrupt. The contact could also be play wrestling or hitting as is a sign of attention.
5) (my personal observation?) Gay jokes. I've noticed that guys who have a predisposition (gay or bi) or who are in denial or curious, find gay jokes to be funnier (at least the non-derogatory one's.) They may even direct the joke towards themselves implying, in joke, that they are gay, and that it is funny. Probably funny because it's true?

Now, I've read some other things I've seen on some gay married site that supposedly helps detecting if someone gay. They seem NOT completely100% correct to me:
1) when a couple approaches, looking at the guy first before looking at his girlfriend/wife when they enter the area. Huh? Just because he looked at the guy first doesn't mean he is gay, this would only be true if the guy was attractive to the suspect, otherwise it won't trigger a "scan".
A scan of a guy they find attractive is a giveaway though.
2) checking out a guys crotch. I think this wrongly assumes that gay guys are somehow obsessed with checking out dick. Wrong. The suspect is most likely checking out someone he finds attractive, and whatever that may be. It might be his handsome face, a big strong frame, hairy chest, nice legs, or even something not physical like personality, sense of humor...you get the point.) For example, I love looking at big strong hands and hairy muscular arms (swoon) if their shirt is off showing a decently covered hairy chest and stomach (not too hairy) I'll go insane and start blabbering uncontollably. Crazy, yup. But no dick check here.
The clues I stated above are probably easier to detect than these 2 hints, especially if the guy has an interest in mind.

A Married "Gay" Guy's Forgotten Victim?

I posted on (Drews) blog that it appeared that once a person "outs" himself to his wife,
there seems to be some choices after that:

1) keep your vow, and don't have any relationship
2) break your vow (get divorced/separated) and seek another relationship
3) partially keep your vow by staying married, and have a relationship on the side (perhaps secret.)
4) some other mix of partially keeping your vow to stay married
and have an arrangement or another relationship on the side or other after discussing this with the wife.

There is something potentially troubling to me about options 3 and 4 since posting...
what about the "relationship?"

What about this OTHER guy?

Take this example:
Falling in line with option #3 or #4, a married gay guy goes out and seeks another guy.
AND perhaps, after a while, this second guy falls in love with the married guy.

Now what?! The married guy wants to keep his vow, right?

Doesn't anyone care about this second gay guy's want or need for commitment (perhap's he's single or a #2.) Doesn't he deserve a dedicated partner to love too?

OR should married gay guys tell him up front that he's planning on staying married, and he's just going to be a "mistress" or just some f-buddy.

AND/OR should the married gay guy only seek other married/partnered guys? e.g. other #3's or #4's?

Because if not, then option #3 and #4 somehow seems potentially unfair not only to his wife & family, but his potential new male love as well!

I'm Gay/Straight: Identity double standard?

Something I was reading on another blog's post dealt with bisexuality and identity.
And in discussions with him, I notice there's a strange double standard that exists.

A (hetero-) married man, who loves his wife sexually and emotionally yet also likes to have sex with other men calls himself "gay." He openly declares "I am gay."

Seems perfectly normal, if you're a guy who likes dick, well, that's definitely "gay!"

But what about the opposite?

I'd happily eat a p*ssy and f*ck it like there's no tomorrow (well not just any.) I have dreams about it actually, where I'm thinking of fooling around with some good looking girl I just met and thinking that I better not because my partner would not like it. Then I do it anyways by going to some hotel or something and we have sex.

So by the same token, can I declare myself "straight?"

Basically, can a (homo-) married man, who loves his partner sexually and emotionally, yet also likes to have sex with other women call himself "straight?"

Why is the former okay (hetero) married guy + homo sex, calling himself "gay" - seem OK
but the latter (homo) partnered guy + hetero sex, calling himself "straight": somehow seems NOT OK?

Somehow seems like I'd be the liar here...

Victim of Love

Even though I'm happily partnered,
I can't help but fall victim to love.
Too often to other commited men.
Most in straight marriages.

And I know when it happens too
because he'll drive me crazy.

Occupying all of my time in my head
(more time than he probably deserves!)
Wondering if I should confess my affection.

Hoping that my call might be returned.
Afraid that my call might be returned.

Fearful I will be rejected.
Fearful he will turn to hate
out of embarrassment.

When he's around, I feel so lightheaded,
My face blushing if our eyes ever connect
My knees weakening on his approach
Fumbling my words if we should say anything

My heart lifting if the words are kind
My heart breaking when he leaves.

I feel so foolish too,
Helpless and somehow hopeless.
Lost and alone.

With no one to talk about it.
Except anonymously to you,
strangers in this digital realm.

Bottom. In retrospect...

Whoa, that last post was a lot of 'too much information'! I think I wish my blog were a little more eloquent as some of my comments to some of my reads...

I think my point was that M2M sex isn't so straight forward...(at least it wasn't for me.)
So for anyone planning to venture there, it can be awkward at first trying top/bottoming.

ALSO as a sidenote, I know a friend who's an emergency room nurse, he's treated a bunch of guys you accidentally got their wives/girlfriend's dildo/vibrator "stuck" Getting it out involves a bunch of tongs to spread open your butthole, while the nurse tries pushing down on your stomach. One guy was buzzing the whole time. Talk about embarrassing!

This situation happens because the toy can go too far and the sphincter closes tightly after it, so, if you are thinking of trying that, make sure you try it with one of those butt plug's or a toy with a "stopper" (whether it be fake balls or whatnot) and save yourself a potential embarrassing emergency room visit. Okay too much info... again!

Bottom lessons [warning adults only!]

[warning: adult content, intended for 21 or older!]

(This is a post I mentiond to some people I would talk about, I tried spicing it up a little. I hope you find it informative, if not also revealing and entertaining.)

It was so romantic. My first gay love. Not the love's I had in the past - those were with "straight" guys (with one of those straight guys including myself! Lol.)

I saw him standing over at my usual hangout, standing alone, kind of uncomfortable not engaged in any conversation with anyone. This place was a "bear" bar. A place for the bearish gay men and their admirers (like myself) can hang out. I was probably standing among friends having a good laugh as usual about something, when this hunky bear caught my eye right away.

He had neatly cut short red head with a goatie, thick in the chest, arms and legs. A stocky wrestler build, standing around 6 feet, 230lbs. A good balance between muscular with some padding, only slightly overweight, no real noticeable body hair. Handsome and casually dressed, mid 30's like myself.

"Wore a tie I bet," I thought to myself... I could tell he was a professional in the real world. Even though this was a "tech" city where few people wore such clothing except salesmen and people looking for a job. His haircut and goatie was neat and his nails were manicured. His casual clothing was expensive. Now, I'm not a gold digger mind you, I make plenty. I just know expensive when I see it.

I moved in for "the kill" and approached him, beer in hand.
"Hi" I said smiling. "Hi" he said smiling back. This was always a good sign, I could see in his eyes that he was already interested. I made my usual introduction and smalltalk, holding off all the others, cock-blockers as best I could. He never took his attention off me the rest of the evening (but then few could! So conceited!!! I know...Lol.)

Now, there are always some people that stick out in your mind because the sex was sooo good. He was one of them. His two best sexual qualities were 1) he was an EXCELLENT kisser. His kiss could melt the space shuttle tiles. I have no idea how he managed to be sooo good at it, never met anyone before or since, male or female, that could kiss quite that way and 2) he was really good in bed, plus a very patient understanding "top" for a newby like me.

Getting to the point of this blog, I remember the first time I attempted to "bottom." We were kissing in his bed and he whispered, I want to f--- you, in a kind gentle way that most are not used to hearing when the f word is used. I laughed nervously, "I never did that before..." It was true, I never did much of anything before, I'd only begun dating guys for a year now, maybe less.

He was completely understanding so he got ready to show me what to do. He put on protection, lubed up and he laid on his back and told me to straddle him, facing him. He held his member and I was to slowly sit down on him while I stroked myself. He's also rub his dick against my butt to get it "ready" then...

Ouch! It hadn't even gone 1/4 inch and it already hurt. ALOT. I sat up so it would get out. He told me to take it easy and not go too fast. My dick had already shrunk by now, so he waited for a couple minutes for me to get up AND get up enough courage to try again. I'm brave so I did.

OUCH!! Again, he hadn't even gone very far (perhaps an inch) but this time, he told me to wait a couple of seconds, RELAX and breath. I had stopped breathing it hurt so much. So I did what he said. He focused on stroking and pinching my nipples to help distract me from the pain. It kinda worked.

Slowly, I would take him in a little deeper until he was all the way in.
It seems that there is a 3-4 inch depth near the entrance you have to bypass and move slowly beyond, pausing for a little while so you can get used to it. It's all about being able to relax most bottoms tell me. Once you get to this point, the pain was pretty much gone and I would be able to "ride" - just like in the movies!

But the first time, it wouldn't last for long! Within a minute of fully entering me, and with almost no "pumping", I felt this weird feeling come over me that's really hard to explain. I guess it comes from having pressure on your prostate and boy does it feel good. I came almost immediately.

Now here is the second strange thing about bottoming. More pain again.
Strangely after you come, everything hurts again, pulling OUT hurts! He would pull out in one quick stroke, any slower would've prolong it.

OUCH!! I don't even think he got to come that night...I was in pain and not in the mood all of a sudden. Walking around felt strange, the next day felt strange. Your butt feels looser, I guess because ...it is! LOL. It would only feel like that the first couple times, then I guess you get used to it and you butt closes as usual.

We'd go through this strange "ritual" the next 4 or 5 times until I got the hang of it. Everytime, I'm not even sure he got to come too, he was such a nice guy I don't think it mattered to him at the time. He was so focused on helping me first. I even tried using "poppers" once. It's like sniffing glue, the fumes give you a headrush and makes you loose. I didn't like the headache I got later, not to mention all the cells I might have killed.

Now for the real orgasm: many bottoming sessions later, I remember one in particular, I was riding him as usual and a newer strange feeling came over me, it was similiar to the feeling before but perhaps 10 times more intense. WOW! I remember not being in control anymore, I felt like a mere observer, I could hear myself begging for him not to stop, almost screaming orders angrily that he better keep f-ing me, and he did. When I came, it was like my chest had split open and my guts came flying out. Plus I was exhausted, I couldn't breathe. (I remember too, he did come this time.)

Seriously, I never had an orgasm that good or nearly that intense ever. One that I'd be yelling outloud saying things I couldn't help say, something I'd be embarrassed to say even now. That was so weird, but it was sooo good. I can see why bottoms REALLY like it, or become addicted to being a bottom.

Funny thing, after we broke up, it still wasn't worth it to me even though the orgasm is so intense, now, it still hurts too much to do it and I can't get myself to get past training again.
Luckily, though, I had a very patient top with experience for my bottom lessons that made it worth while. Plus, I was head over heels in love with him, and it just didn't work out. The sex was great, but that's all it was. The love and caring I longed for was not reciprocated. I hungered for love much more than great sex. Love he wasn't willing or ready to return. Luckily, I would find it another day many years later.

Unfortunately, it's not easy to produce unless you have someone who's willing to top you again and again until you experience it. No dildo or vibrator has reproduced that same feeling I've noticed after we broke up (at least for myself), it's a very strong, intense orgasm that I've only experienced once.

If anything else came from this, I learned to be a patient understanding top for my bottom man, knowing that I have to occasionally sacrifice my orgasm for his, and honestly, I'm happy to do it... I love him. :)

The Price of Desire

Troll at sea wrote:
not every thing you desire is worth the price you might have to pay for getting it, and you can never know how what you desire may not be returned to you later, a hundredfold, if you can give up demanding it at once.

There is a lot of truth to this statement. I like it's honorable selfless attitude to a higher good for everyone. I've always lived like this growing up, too, my own desires which were potentially hurtful, should be kept at bay and given up "at once", since doing so was "worth the price."

BUT, how does one know what should and should not be given up?
Should my desire for another man be one of them?

I thought so!

According to the church, gay is sin. And by not giving into this desire to sin, you're obedience would be returned to you somehow, perhaps in heaven...

I think this is what we all struggle through.
Somehow we feel that perhaps this feeling of love for another man is really a desire we should abandon because by doing so, we would gain much more than we can imagine.

Obviously, I have made a choice, and, for a lot of the married guys here, they have made a choice too, but apparently, this is not their final desire as I read of their struggle...

And perhaps, in my mind, there exists a choice for another desire in me too?
Although not completely the same (and not nearly as difficult,) in a way, we do have similiarities: a desire for love outside of our current commitments.

Here's another ironic spin. I have always been strongly attracted to "straight married" guys, and I know many of them are attracted to me too - people tend to befriend people they find attractive. It wasn't that I'd hunt them down or stalk them, it was usually completely innocent
and it was usually their confessions that would be revealed to me first.

But, I have not completely understood the price of this desire. I can more easily imagine what price I must pay, but not until I've read the blogs of so many married men here, do I understand the gravity of their situation, and in a way, I feel that I am guilty for causing some a painful struggle, unknowingly.

But again, how would we have known we would fall in love? Should I avoid befriending straight married guys? (Or at least the one's I find I'm attracted to?)

(again) How does one know what should and should not be given up?

(This might shed light on my fascination with married gay guys.)

Gay questions: #2 what is this top/bottom role about?

(adding to the series of talks of stuff I've learned along the way.)

When gay guys talk about sex, there are roles one assumes. (Can't speak for the lesbians, sorry, but it's probably similiar.) Gay people describe role preferences these ways: top, bottom and versatile.

Top: this is the guy who is does the f-ing typically. He's the one who will use his member to penetrate the other guy. It can be in the "bottom" place but it can also be in where ever.The top is also usually the more domineering one and may lead, so in a lot of ways it's also a state of mind. Some guys are proud to call themselve's a "top", as if it makes them more of a man and less gay.

Bottom: this guy, as you can guess, is the reciever of the f-ing. This can imply a submissive personality i.e. they like to be told what to do, or be submissive to the demands of another guy.

Versatile: this guy likes or does both topping or bottoming. I'd say most gay guys have tried either role. Most are really versatile's, while few top's never want to be bottomed, and some bottoms only want to be topped.

In general, it's not too complicated descriptively, but in some ways can become an awkward
sex situation, if both guys are bottoms or if both guys are tops. You really can't assume that if a guy is effeminate he's automatically the bottom or some tough masculine guy is automatically a top. It seems to be the case but in reality, it doesn't work that way.

Anyways, this is one of the things that is brought up between two guys about to hook up (if someone is asking you, he's probably hitting on you! Pay attention!) It'll usually come up subtlely in some kind of phrase like, "what do you into/like/prefer? (when talking about sex.) The answer will be something like, "I like to top, but am versatile" along with any other thing that you are into or not into, like bondage, leather, pain etc.

Crazy huh? As if you didn't think that being gay was enough, the next obstacle is now you have to find your gay match, if possible. Guys who love each other can overcome these bottom/top roles differences if the match isn't strictly top/bottom. Someone or both will take turns or they will figure it out somehow, just like any straight couple will do if there's an sex issue.

Roadtrip revisited

The reason I posted roadtrip was because this was what I would say is the real turning point when I realized what it might be like to love another man.

Some things in your life stand out like a sign or billboard, even when it was something you had passed so long ago.

Wow, I had so much fun spending time with him. We were so playful then, like a bunch of kids. Innocently (from my perspective) flirting with each other. Imagine spending almost 2 weeks with someone you are completely in love with! It was bliss.
And honestly, I think he really really liked me too, we just never really said it.

There was an odd moment once when we were staying with a mutual friend's apartment sleeping on the living room floor. We both woke up, our host off to work. I remember a strange awkward feeling of us just staring at each other, I half naked sitting across from him and he butt naked clutching MY personal blanket to himself and was teasing me in that playful manner. I remember he had a strange look in his eyes too. I didn't know what to do, I remember thinking I should just grab my blanket for one, but was afraid...
afraid I might see him aroused and not being able to resist,
afraid it would reveal some hidden truth about how we really felt about each other.
I remember just quickly getting up and starting to get dressed embarrassed.

This would happen all the time this trip...a look I wouldn't understand which now I think was really an invitation. Something I'd only begin to notice at the bars when other guys were trying to pick me up.

God I was so in control of myself, I wish in retrospect I just let loose a little. I was too noble, too Catholic, too pure, too virgin.

Plus, at that moment, sex wasn't important to me then, he was happy to be with me and I was happy to be with him. I was really in love. I think he loved me too though, even though he told me he didn't "care" I knew he did at least care. He wasn't gay in my mind, and still isn't even now I think. (He's happily married now.)

This was a turning point in which the love I felt was just too strong to ignore.
I was fortunate because he was so far away so my passion was allowed to wane.
I was fortunate to have that time when we were just the world to each other,
where I would finally understand what it might be to spend my life with another man.

Although, I didn't know I would continue to deny this until almost 5 more years.
I'm grateful to whatever powers that be, to have allowed me to meet such a nice guy.
A true friend.

We did have a chance to meet again, after I confessed my love. I remember saying things though, perhaps I shouldn't have. I joked about seducing him and saying that I knew he couldn't resist. Boy that was dumb, but perhaps it was what I did want to do...

So, when I went to meet him as agreed, he stood me up, he claimed he couldn't get away from work (which was really possible) - but why would he not answer his phone or call to tell me he couldn't meet me? That was agony going back home.

There's a burning feeling now that I wouldn't ever resolve my uncertainty of what he really felt about my confession, or my proposal that I shouldn't have said. Still bugs me today.
I know someday, if I can (he's in the middle east last I heard), I will try and see him again for my own sanity just to make sure it's all okay.

Working

Ok. Sorry for the drama.
There was an issue with me blogging with my partner that created a dilemna for me.
I knew it wasn't worth all the pain and hassle (as Troll pointed out to me too.)
To me, it wasn't a big deal since I hadn't been blogging for too long, not like anyone would miss what I wrote...(or so I thought! thanks readers!)

We worked it out and talked about it today during lunch. He completely understands now, so I'm back. Amazing what a little communication and work can do!

Not working

My partner doesn't like the fact I have a blog he can't read.
It's driving him nuts. So perhaps, I cannot be anonymous and write all I want.

If that's true, what's the use, this blog will serve no purpose to me.
I'll just continue to ramble on my private text files locked away on my computer (not like anyone is actually reading my crap! L0l.)
I just wanted them stored somewhere, because my other computer crashed recently and all of it was lost.

I've already argued with him over it, but I can still tell he doesn't like it even though he agrees with me.

So, although, perhaps I had had things to say here, I think I'll just resort to the good old paper and pen... or keep it all as draft's

I'll still be reading and commenting to your posts so beware.

I have these flaws:
1) don't read the blog or other comments carefully enough and tend to insert foot in mouth.
2) tend to be very "advice" driven and come across as condescending. (I think it's because too many people unload their problems on me and I am always giving advice?) If I do and it's annoying to you, it's how I show I care so...
3) argumentative. I love debate for debate's sake, it's fun. I can admit I'm wrong though...maybe.

If I'm an unwelcome commentor, please let me know, I'll respect you and will leave you alone.
(although I'll probably still lurk, you guys are a pretty interesting bunch! :-))

Anyways, I hope you find your happiness.
I think I have.

Temperment

I have a romantic edge I think.
I so easily fall victim to my emotions.
Though, I've learned to restrain them somewhat,
writing them down sometimes, to let them settle,
revisiting them again later for reassessment.

The passions in our feelings run so wild!
So anxious to be declared
shouting out for attention
waiting to escape and expose themselves.

Temperment. I need it.
I've found more regret when I let my words
spill forth with abandon, when the true
thing I wanted to say, was usually something much
less enthusiastic, much less...revealing.

When I do the reread, it helps if I just pretend
a long time has passed. I scrutinize the words
wondering if there might be something
I missed that can cause me regret later, or if I would still
say these things, if things change!
Saved me a lot of embarrassment and grief.

Gay questions: #1 How do I know?

"Gay questions" are things I've asked or discovered myself. Initially it was confusing but the answers are pretty simple actually. Some people out there are struggling with these questions...and I think I know!

So for Question number 1: How do I know if I'm gay?

I think I have a somewhat unique insight here (well not too unique probably.) I actually liked girls first, and in a way have not completely stopped liking them either! My feelings for girls preceded the feelings for guys by about 2 years.

I can say this, the feelings are in every way the SAME and they came upon me the same way, one day they just appeared.

No stories of some molestation that changed me into being gay,
No history about any parent figures being more effeminate or masculine,
No illness or accident that suddenly changed my brain.
No story of tragedy or abuse.
Nothing at all.

One day, I just had feelings towards certain people. I just liked them...ALOT!
Feelings we'd all describe as a "crush." All the obsessive, illogical, giddiness and craziness that comes with being in love. Everything you can feel about love applied to both.

All of this happened between 8 and 10. Well before I even hit puberty or had any interest in sex (although I did play with myself, but when you're only 8 years old, that was not connected to any person or person directed fantasy.)

It doesn't end there, those were only crushes and childhood feelings. I've fallen in love too.
If you've ever fallen in love, it's no mystery it's happening.

I've been in love with both in my teenage years too, and surprise! They are also the same.
The feelings you want to be with them all the time, the head games, the jealousy...all the grown up games surrounding love. Later in adulthood, in my mid-twenties, the feelings shifted more and more to guys and less and less to girls in my case. Not sure why.

Things to keep in mind:
It's not really about the sex at all really.
Sex and love are not the same thing.
Lust and love is not the same either. (I lust for women but I fall "in love" with men.)
"Curiousity" is not love either. (Many guys experiment, it's human to be curious.)

So, to answer the question: "How do I know if I'm gay?"
Ask yourself this question: "Do you find yourself falling in love?"

Cursed

Being gay is not a blessing, it's a curse.
A curse that the world has cast for you.
A curse that you so willingly will cast on yourself.

Love is the blessing.
A love that will endure the challenges that lie ahead.
A love that will couragously hold on, hopeful for change.
And how true a test for love, so willing to suffer
for a short glimpse of truth.

Courage

I read here, fascinated by the married guys
who one day, realized that they are gay.
I can't imagine how difficult that must be.
Reading their struggle is a window into a world.
A world that could easily have been mine.
I was some how spared by some strange chance.

Many of their thoughts are mine,
echoes of a time not too long ago,
the confusion, the loneliness of it all.
The guilt, the denial, and complete bewilderment.

Enduring and suffering day after day,
allowing the tragedy to unfold.
A tragedy that has taken so much of the joy out of life
buried in a lie, hoping it all would change.
A tragedy that even this love will cause pain and suffering.

I can't imagine how difficult it must be.
It must take an extraordinary amount of courage.

Blame

In the beginning, I never wanted these feelings. My self realization caused me to look for a reason. "Why did this happen to me? Who did this to me?"

It would have been easier if there WERE someone or some situation to blame, yet the blame only seemed to be no one, or, as I had been taught from my religion: my own.

So, as many probably do, I blamed myself. The cause was something I must be choosing to do. Not feelings more part of my being or something in the wiring of my brain I couldn't change.
Denial set it... for a long time - some ~20 years.

Somewhere deep inside, though, the truth was attempting to break free.
Struggling for a voice, fighting to the surface for a breath.
And deeper down, I knew the real truth.
The blame was no one's. It just was the way I was.

And all that time, I had been feeling so guilty blaming myself.
Not actually doing anything at all, really, but for only thinking about it.
Silently suffering for actions I never did,
Silently suffering for want of a love,
A love, I chose to deny for myself.

And now I know I was to blame partially for my own unhappiness then,
part of that blame, maybe, should go to society for making me think I should blame myself
but really, we had good intentions, we didn't know that no one is to blame.

Funny how some song lyrics from back then seemed to ring true.
I liked them because they somehow spoke for that silently surpressed me hiding inside.

Howard Jone's "No One Is To Blame"

You can look at the menu but you just can’t eat
You can feel the cushions but you can’t have a seat
You can dip your foot in the pool but you can’t have a swim
You can feel the punishment but you can’t commit the sin

(Reprise)
And you want her and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame

You can build a mansion but you just can’t live in it
You’re the fastest runner but you’re not allowed to win
Some break the rules
And live to count the cost
The insecurity is the thing that won’t get lost

(Repeat reprise)

You can see the summit but you can’t reach it
It’s the last piece of the puzzle but you just can’t make it fit
Doctor says you’re cured but you still feel the pain
Aspirations in the clouds but your hopes go down the drain

(Repeat reprise)

Roadtrip

"I don't care about you." he said.

"I don't care if you care or not..." I muttered defiantly, "I always care about my friends!" I could feel my face grimace hurt and confused - looking for the meaning of what he just said. "How could he not care?" I thought.

We continued down the road without saying anything more that day.

The following days, it was as if nothing had happened. We carried on joking and goofing off just as we had since starting off on this long roadtrip a couple weeks earlier. A long trip about to come to an end.

When it came time for me to leave, he dropped me off at the airport shuttle stop. I was clearly upset to leave and was fighting back the tears. I didn't care if the people around us loading their luggage could see my face as we hugged goodbye. And as the shuttle finally drove off, I could see his arm sticking out of his car waving as we drove away, knowing I'd be looking behind for that last glimpse.

I never forgot those words, never really knowing what he meant. It wasn't until much later that I'd realize what he truly meant - he didn't CARE about me.

Not a "care" you'd have for a friend, but a "care" you'd have for someone you loved.
I laugh now that I didn't see it so clearly, as he did. But how could I know I was in love? I was in denial then.

Ten years would pass, and I'd find myself unexpectedly on the other side of the country where we had last left off. He drove to my house and in our short reunion I found myself lost again and afraid, afraid of how he might react so I never told him anything about who I'd become. He left as quickly as he came the next morning, not too much exchanged other than a few updates on our whereabouts since that drive long ago.

Very soon thereafter, I'd call him. Somehow I felt safe, hiding behind the reciever. I knew if I hadn't told him, it might be a long time again and I'd regret it. So after some inital small talk, I finally confessed to him that I had "feelings for him" with a sense of nervous relief in my voice. He laughed and told me he was alright with it.

He already knew...
but never acknowledged any for me.

When all I had to say was said, I hung up and left for an appointment relieved. I returned hours later and saw that I had missed a call not long after hanging up. It was from him yet there was no message.

I'm curious what he was about to tell me and if he really meant it when he said he was ok with it. I regret having cowardly confessed over the phone now. It would have been easier to see from his reaction if I had confessed to him in person. Sadly, I haven't seen him since our reunion a couple years ago. I'm not sure if I should or ever will.

Bear's Arrival

Here I am.

I've thought about getting a blog here for some time...but wondered what it is I would post? I thought, this one should be different from my other blogs. Perhaps raw, uninhibited, revealing more of the uncensored thoughts that run in my mind.

I want to blog without fear.

Thus this dilemna: how does one blog without worrying that others that I know personally, won't think less of me or make judgement or fear for what my postings reveal or accountable for what I say?

I thought there is really only one way: anonymously.
So for you who read this, I apologize that I will not reveal to many details of who I am on the outside, but I do this to preserve the integrity of the postings. I realize there are a few who may know my identity, I hope you will keep my secret as best you are able.

Peace